Her Tears ; The Tale Of A Princess

180110 ` a change.

2010-01-18T13:56:00.001+08:00

I've changed my blog to http://hersilentrants.blogspot.com

010110 ` the photos i promised.

2010-01-01T17:04:00.005+08:00

My family (: some were not present thou.

Granny when she's about to cut the cake. >.> weird.. xmas cake for her bdae..

Granny cutting the cake. With ppl around helping her its impossible to get a shot with only her and the cake. sorry.

Granny blowing the candles. nice shot ! :x

301209 ` too late.

2009-12-30T16:06:00.004+08:00

30 Dec 2009 :

I didnt know today's 30th ! omgs.. I was still dreaming.. Bear pei me go print my resubmission de work so can hand up to YeeNoh.. thanks.. my neck hurts .. probably cos I didnt sleep well .. had trouble sleeping these days cos of my chest .. somewhat cant breathe..

perhaps, its too late.. mel got new stead le.. all i can do is wish them the best .. 其实，我从来没有放弃过。我只是不知道该怎么办。在挣扎.. 我还放不下他。，没有一天不思念这他。怀念着从前的点点滴滴 ... 想不到现在，是我，还不愿放手。但，一切都太迟了。他有了新地开始，我们各自都有了男女朋友。我只能怨自己，谁都不能怪。是我当初选择放弃，现在的我，只能把回忆好好的收藏起来。我后悔了。我曾经以为，我不再爱他，但现在一切都好像在告诉我，我还爱着他。

就算能在给我一次机会，我很想回到他身边，但是我该怎么办，怎么面对家人，怎么说服他们，怎么做 ... 我不想让奶奶操心。

I've lost interest in life, after I left him. Things changed. I was never who I used to be.. I used to be walking slowly back to who I should be.. He tried his best to make me happy.. Now, I'm better off dead. 我，一点也不开心。

还能说什么呢？一切都是我的错。

My neck hurts terribly I cant turn my head properly. ouch ! perhaps when everyone's celebrating the arrival of a new year, 2010.. I'd be alone .. Nevertheless, Happy New Year in advance. All the best of everything. (:

`❤ Ileana

281209 ` the snowball goes larger !

2009-12-28T23:01:00.004+08:00

28 Dec 2009 :

When will troubles ever end ? I doubt it ever will .. why does my family have so much problem .. sobs .. headache .. sighs .. As usual, 我不快乐 ... the troubles are just like a snowball, that goes bigger when you roll..

I hate myself, for not being able to defend myself .. for letting others bully me.. and my family.. 为什么我做的，没人看得到.. 我好像选择把一切都唱在心里，不愿跟别人说。很多时候，我似乎变成一个哑巴。

I'm always alone at home, 好寂寞。我好希望，我也有个twin.. 这样，不需要说，也有人了解。

好想念和wanru谈心事的时候，我早已把她当成姐妹。她的人真的很好。

went to develop photos .. shall upload the photos other days.. ((: granny's 80th bdae .. heee..

251209 ` its xmas ..

2009-12-25T13:30:00.004+08:00

25 Dec 2009 :

I was supposed to be happy .. its xmas today .. but I'm not .. Ytd .. I went to get granny's pressie .. I put in a lot of effort .. hoping to get something of good use to granny .. I thought sweater was the right item .. but i neglected an important point .. that its granny's 80th bdae & a sweater is not appropriate.. bcos sweaters are needed for the old when they feel cold or when they're unwell ..

It was my own silly thinking that the sweater would bring her warmth.. I was stupid.. when I happily showed mum what I got for grandma ytd night, only to get her scoldings .. till now .. it was like a thousand needles stabbing me .. it waked me up .. why bother getting something for grandma when .. she would not appreciate .. when my meaning of the present would be distorted by others.. when theres no need for me to get something for her .. my aunt would settle everything..

Everytime I got chided by my mum, it was like I fell from the top of a building.. my hopes dashed .. I had nothing for grandma .. I definitely could not give her that sweater .. I wasted my time searching for it .. how dumb can I be .. it meant a lot to me ..

It's xmas .. the worst I ever had .. not to mention what had happened .. I still had to think of a layout for my resubmission for typography.. ' Clarendon ' .. what layout could I do for Clarendon .. I had no idea .. seriously .. industrial typeface.. Old English .. Sighs ..

I'm like one without soul .. without will .. without motivation .. as good as dead .. I pretend to be alright .. but I'm not .. what that has happened has dealt me a serious blow.. a double perhaps ?

Incase, ppl complain its all text & "essays" in my entries .. here are some pictures ..

My character in OZ World Global.. Fishing in the snow..

thats me too ! (:

OZ hotel by ^TeNS|oN^ - very well done. this is only the top level.

lastly, devil panda fishing ! cute rights ! :D ~

221209 ` bottled secrets;

2009-12-22T14:36:00.003+08:00

22 Dec 2009 :

First, let me apologise for not blogging even though its holidays. Many things happened & I've lost the motivation to do things. As you can see, I'm not doing well.. Idk wads wrong but I seem to be having bad luck since idk when..

I broke off with mel some time ago.. the reason I gave was because of the objection from my family, relatives & friends.. The pressure was too much to handle. Like a rubberband snapped off, I kept it to myself .. but now, its too late.

Idk if he would be reading my blog anymore, but here, I would like to apologise.. I've not been a gd gf.. sorry.. sorry for causing you pain that I know sorry wouldnt cure.. I'm now with someone else, too soon to step in a relationship I realise. Because, all the while, I've been the same.. I wud jump into another relationship to try and forget the pain of the past.. it never worked.. I was a coward.. I couldn't face the reality..

How should I put this .. How can I even say it .. How can I even feel like this .. When we broke off, though I was the one who initiated a break up.. I was like one without soul .. I cried .. Unknowingly, I kept talking about him .. I thought about him .. I missed the times we were tgt .. when he decided to give up, knowing I accepted someone else, I felt pain ..But I couldn't tell .. I had to endure.. I tried to decieve myself that it would be over soon.. I thought I didn't love him anymore.. Why was it that I felt a stab of pain when he showed me a girl's pic asking me if she's pretty .. He told me he might jio her .. after I asked further ..

I would be lying if I said I'm over him.. I would be lying if i said I'm fine.. perhaps I can't get over him.. Like A ship sinking to the bottom of the sea .. After we broke .. perhaps I needed time to heal .. so much so because I've never allowed myself the time to heal. Now that I'm wounded all over, I only have myself to blame.

I hated myself for being so silly.. for allowing them to affect me so easily. I know that they meant good.. I know what they see .. But he's not like that .. He's been very good to me.. really.. I was like a princess .. I used to be.. 为什么我要这么傻？这是我的人生，我的将来，我未来的幸福！就算对象真的很棒，但如果没了爱情，还是一样，痛苦。

现在的我，不知道为什么整天会因为芝麻绿豆的事而吵起来。I always try to give in .. But im tired.. I would unknowingly irritate him .. I couldnt explain myself .. I'm not good at expressing myself .. I would bottle it up.. sighs .. 要是有人问我 ‘你现在快乐吗？’ 我想我给不了一个答案。

I failed my year 2 sem 1 badly .. I'm struggling .. to stay afloat .. but it looks hard .. School's starting soon.. and I need to concentrate.. but how .. when I lost the motivation in life..

231109 ` a sudden twist !

2009-11-23T21:13:00.007+08:00

23 Nov 2009:

Guess what .. The chalet's Operations Manager told us that they would close the case ! HEEHEES! Guess they realised that they have too many problems internally. ;) !

But they told us to advise Aaron to be more tolerant in matters like this for his benefit in future. Because they are Civil Servants, whom represent the govt. yeaps.. I understand that Aaron is a lil hot headed but i hope he can try to curb his temper in situations like that.. hope he understands my intentions.. ;) !

No more fever today, HURRAYS! But, i'm still coughing.. bleahs ! Yeahs.. tried cough medicine like the chinese pi pa gao, my mum's cough med & woods cough syrup.. but not much help. awws.. what if im in risk of getting h1n1? omgs.. hahas.. mabbe i'm just scaring myself.. o.o"

Actually, it's terrible to fall ill. I never had this feeling before, when all you could do is lie on the bed and sleep almost 24 hours.. when you have to use up your strength just to try and sit up on the bed.. when you had no appetite and there's so many food out there you're tempted to DEVOUR.. when you keep coughing and no1 dares to sit near you.. when you're self-conscious that you're spreading germs/bacteria around you. SOBS !

I enjoyed listening to music, while on transport, somewhat.. it makes me more relaxed.. My mind would ponder about the problems that made me perplexed.

我不知道该如何做选择。因为，不管选哪一边，都会有人受伤。该怎么办？两边都有他们各自的优点和缺点。y俄许我再逃避，因为我真的做不出选择。 or perhaps, dont make a decision, don't choose either of them.

221109 ` more troubles..

2009-11-22T23:28:00.007+08:00

22 Nov 2009:

We were framed.. The staff from the chalet ( Al _ha Chan_i) claimed that the wooden table was ours and we burnt a BIG hole on it. LOL? All those staying over ALL remembered ours was a PINK table top .. made of plastic. definitely not wood.. They insist that we pay for it and didn't even want to show us the table until my mum requested.

It's ridiculous to claim that we burnt the table bcos there would have been smoke or burnt smell .. which people from other chalet would have noticed. In addition, the table was the place we placed our stuff.. the food, plates etc. The table wasn't used for cooking. It was evident that they were trying to frame us.

We found out ytd that they hid this pink table that was originally ours at their storeroom.. According to Aaron, there were more burnt furniture in the room. Who knows if they took an old piece that was ruined by others and demands us for payment ? They moved the table on their own accord, while we were not present. We did request them to do a check when we wanted to check out early but they claim they would follow the timing given which was the next day morning. In between the period of time, who knows someone was up to mischief and the blame was put on us?

Well, I had evidence.. not strong i suppose. Could only blame ourselves for not being cautious. Who would have known they would have used a table at a corner to frame us.

The table they hid behind.

The burnt table they claimed was ours.

My 21st Bday cake.

My Evidence that it wasnt the wooden table.

The Guys helping out before the bbq.

201109 ` worst birthday ever

2009-11-20T13:52:00.007+08:00

20 Nov 2009 :

Stayed at Aloha Changi Resorts (Seaview chalet B) for 4 nights.. It was supposed to be from 16th Nov (check-in in the afternoon) till 20th Nov (check-out at 9.50am) .. but we checked out early due to few reasons ..

1. I'm not feeling well.
2. WeiXun, 大姑姑, Grandma, Aaron, BingQuan & KokKiang staying till 19th Nov only.
3. The Bloodsuckers mosquitos !
4. Mum said if we check out on Friday(20th Nov), No one can help us to carry stuff.. zzz..

I can't stand her.. all she thinks of is to make use of ppl.. It's my 21st Birthday and I can't believe it was the worse one ever. Even if I were to not celebrate it, It would have been better than this chalet. It was ruined.

The mosquitos were scary .. We've never been attacked by them to this state before. We've never used so much repellent or anti-mos stuff before. x.x"

This wasn't the 21st Birthday I wanted.. in fact, it was the worst birthday I had.. In the eyes of others I should have been content.. they felt I was showered with love and care.. but they never knew the inside story.. It was all for show.. "They" were a good bunch of actress.. I loathe them to the core.

It was my 21st and the rain was bad enuff to ruin my day.. I dressed hoping to be beautiful on that day but the rain destroyed it all.. to make it worse, I was like a maid instead of a Birthday Girl.. I had no time to rest or eat.. all I had for that day was pancakes in the morning.. I was running to & fro here and there.. trying to make sure the guests were attended to..

Here were some feedbacks from the guests ..

- "she's here for less than 5 mins and there she runs again."
-"you look more like a maid instead of a birthday girl"

There my first aunt went, she scolded me for spilling the Glass Jelly drink on the chiller.. so she had to clean up again. She was busy since afternoon washing etc .. and I was heartless to do so. LIKE I WANTED IT ? I did not ask her to do the chores.. Aaron asked her not to but she insisted on it. She has this bad habit of wanting everything to be sparkling shiny and clean.. But this is a chalet.. shouldn't it be more appropriate to clean it last, at night ? The bbq will dirty it anyway..

My aunts and relatives were unhappy that they weren't served well.. THEY ARE MY OWN FAMILY CAN'T THEY JUST HELP THEMSELVES OR RATHER BE MORE PATIENT AND HELPFUL? ALL OF US ARE SO BUSY WE DIDN'T HAVE THE CHANCE TO EAT.

BingQuan & Mel was busy bbqing for the guests. They sacrificed by enduring the heat, ants and mosquitos. Aaron and me was busy serving the guests and keeping everything alright.. As for my mum, she has been busy with this chalet stuff, cooking to make sure everyone has enough to eat.

If my friends are all so understanding, i dont understand why they, who are seniors compared to us and in addition, my relatives.. can't do the same. They have never spared a thought for us, at least my friends offered to help and asked if I ate. Thanks to all who cared and came for my chalet/bbq.

They are:

WanRu, Spencer, Joy, YongDe, GuoFeng, Serena, Eclair, Shanlyn, Gary & his friend, Phyllis, Elysha, Yuen, Farhan, Kamell, Melli, Jocelyn, Eleanor, PeiLing, Edwin, WenJie, Aaron, Melvin, BingQuan, KK, Ben.

Sorry if I missed any.

I've received quite a few presents. Thanks alot. Loved the plushies loads. haha.. The Card from both wanru and wenjie's group made my day. thanks a lot. I was relieved, through this I knew how true you guys were to me. When i needed help, when I gave that face.. Though u guys were bloated, you still helped me with the food. Haha. Thanks.. =)

091109 ` junk .

2009-11-09T18:09:00.010+08:00

09-11-09 :

Nice date today huh. Memorable today. None were of those pretty memories. My blood boils, lies .. again and again. Guys are just junks kays. YES I SAID THAT. They don't cherish you and when its too late, they tried to make amendments.

I'm a lousy girl so don't ask for patch.

How many times have this happened.. I was just too dumb.. to believe you again and again. When I thought I should patch, I waited for you to come.. I starved till I had no choice but to cook noodles.. I was waiting for you to come. Disappointment filled me, when I realise, I wasn't impt to you at all. They were.

Guys are just rubbish. They tell you they would protect you, they would never be the same with your ex, they can promise you a thousand things, but they never keep their promises. They would only, hurt you.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Few days ago, something happened.. I was almost gone just like that.

My mum heated up some food and went to work, forgetting she did. I was asleep. It burnt for approximately 4 hrs.. I woke up by coincidence.. I was tired.. but remembered he was coming to my place.. While I was on the phone with him, I smelled something burnt. I thought it would be better if I checked the kitchen, so I did after I hung up.

To my horror, the stove was red, the pot was burnt. The house was filled with the burnt smoke.. I was suffering from headache and I couldn't breathe the whole day.. cause of the poor ventilation .. Neither did I on fan while I slept. Tragedy almost happened..

She apologised, but not how I felt it should have. I could feel, she apologised because she was worried something happened to me, and she would have been put to blame.

Was I nothing to her ? Perhaps so, she almost murdered her own daughter.. if not for god.. i would have died. But perhaps it would be better that way.

_______________________________________________________

All she cares if for herself. She ate dinner never prepared my share. She claims she's tired still have to cook for me ah . Yeah fine, I made cup noodles and there she is.. kpkb.

I would always envy wanru.. her mum loves her a lot .. cooks for her .. make her dishes she likes .. ask her what she wants for dinner..

Scrumpy .. caught at Suntec City's Arcade, with him.

Set meal at Tampines Mall's Lvl 4 Steakhouse. Delicious.

The steak from the setmeal. It was yummy, but I think I shld have ordered 50% instead. Went with him.

Chocolate Fondue at Rama Inn ( Tiong Bahru Plaza ).

Burnt Pot I was talking about.

My Birthday Pressie from Sis & Her BF.

Close Up of the necklace from Sis & her bf.

261009 ` when life turns grey..

2009-10-26T22:38:00.005+08:00

26 Oct 2009 :

I've been keeping some thoughts to myself .. was it because they were in the same class in the same school that they got so close to each other i'm getting jealous?

Why is it that I felt there is no longer space for me ..

Why is it that I feel .. I'm distancing away from my good friends..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Took that picture recently.. It's a pic of my new-est hammie .. Still have not decided what to name him yet . Trying to name him something that fits into his character .. Or perhaps I should just give him a random name.. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

- Jumpy .. ( Every time I place him in a box he would jump and keep scratching the sides of the box wanting to get out )

- Naughty ( thats what I think of him, he's quite different from DaiDai .. and I miss DaiDai )

- Cute ( the way he behaves when he tries to be certain if I'm near or observing him )

I've thought about it and decided that, I should not turn down any invitations to go out together with my friends.. (special ones). I've been feeling bad for rejecting their invitation..

So, the next time WanRu or Spencer asks me out together with the rest, I shall not turn down unless I've got something on. I should try to socialize more. But how do I break out of my "shell" and do that, the solution is still unknown. HAHA!

It's week 2 for ISP already and I'm getting stressed up. How should I start with my project .. How do I spice it up .. Gotta complete it by the end of week 3 and I've got to rush 4 items out. Dang !

Sighs, I'm just afraid.. that I'll flunk this sem.. What should I do .. Somehow.. I've just got no confidence.. Everyone's works seems far better than mine..

我该和他分手吗？我还欠他一个答案，我还没做出一个决定。

一位已经死去的１７岁少女的刻骨铭心的爱情创作 - 最后一次

2009-10-22T13:33:00.002+08:00

A song a 17 year old sang for her boyfriend before she pass away due to rare skin disease. Sad and touching video.

Lyrics:

English version lyric. (Credit for changetheworld forum member)

"Lovynn Kan"

*Chorus Start*

Before I close my eyes for the last time
I wish to tell you I love you
In your embrace, don't wish to let go
In my heart, thousands of words I have yet to tell you
I used all my strength to keep my eyes from closing
After this farewell, there will be no more meetings, no more can I be by your side
But please don't forget
You promised me you will live on as well as you can

I'm leaving first, leaving for a faraway place
I won't be able to watch the sunrise with you anymore
I won't be able to wait for dawn
Erasing all the memories, is not an easy thing
But life & death are predestined, don't be too sad

在我最后一次闭上眼睛之前
我想对你说我爱你
在你怀里舍不得放弃
心里有千万语还没说给你听
我使尽全力不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇
不能再陪你但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活下去
先走了去了好远的地方
不能再陪你看日出等不到天亮
所有回忆抹去却并不容易
生死由天决定不要太伤心
在我最后一次闭上眼睛之前
我想对你说我爱你
在你怀里舍不得放弃
心里有千万语还没说给你听
我使尽全力不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇
不能再陪你但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活下去
在我最后一次闭上眼睛之前
我想对你说我爱你
在你怀里舍不得放弃
心里有千万语还没说给你听
我使尽全力不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇
不能再陪你但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活下去
我永远爱你。

191009 ` days of darkness

2009-10-19T00:59:00.004+08:00

19 Oct 2009 :

I know, I'm in the wrong. But, I'll never forgive her. The words they said, never left my mind, never stopped stabbing my heart. It wasn't just once.

Recently, 我一直在哭。Yesterday, went to Dar's place late. Was supposed to celebrate his mum's bday.. felt guilty and sorry.. but I couldn't care less when I entered. I was emoing the whole journey there. The moment I entered his hse, I went straight to his room and cried at a corner, sitting on his bed.

The thoughts that filled my mind -; all she cared was herself. she did not even show concern whether I had my breakfast or not, till before I left the hse, when I opened the fridge to look for food. But it was too late isn't it. There she was giving me hell why I was being late to the "party"..

SHE FKING KNOW NOTHING AND ALL SHE DOES IS ALWAYS USE HER BLOODY MOUTH. 我就是这样的一个女孩，败她所刺！She was the one that "decided" this life for me. If, she does not have the ability to give love, care and concern to me, den don't even give birth to me. YES I FKING SAID THESE WORDS! IF SHE COULD SAY SHE REGRETTED MY EXISTANCE DEN WHY CANT I SAY THESE WORDS!

If she decided to give birth to me, then don't throw me to a nanny and I ended up being ill-treated. I was given little compared to what a normal baby should be given. My bones are smaller as compared to the rest of you. It was her that made my life hell. IF SHE FKING KNOW NOTHING DEN STFU! All she knows if to complain why I take cab all the time. Has she ever put herself into my shoes and think USING HER BRAIN AND HEART? NO SHE NEVER DID! All these years, ever since Pri 1, the stares and glares ppl gave, those insulting words ppl used on me .. it is something perhaps no one could have understood. None the NORMAL people could have understood.

I'm not normal. I was told by the doctor that there was something wrong with my bone structure. if i stretch my fingers straight tgt, my finger bends. Why am I like this ? All bcos of her. Perhaps, she never knew abt this.

Ppl would often tell me, why do u care so much about how ppl look at you, just live life happily and dont care about how they look at you. Do you think I wished to live miserably? Do you not think how much I yearned not to care too? But have any of you ever thought how much I suffered? I would keep silent if I was blind or deaf, but unfortunately I'm none of the above. I CAN HEAR AND SEE how ppl look and say about me.

It is obvious that she favours my sister to me. It is obvious that she's bias. Even dar realises so. My sister is not staying with us anymore currently, she's staying at her bf's hse. Sleeping with him in the same room every night. WHAT RIGHTS HAS MY MUM GOT TO SAY ANYTHING ABT MY LOVE LIFE WHEN SHE NEVER CARED FOR ME, WHEN SHE ACCEPTED WHAT MY SISTER DOES BUT NOT ME. WHY DO I SUFFER ALL THE "AFTER IMPACTS" OF WHAT MY SISTER DOES.

Dar was the one that was always there for me, not my mum. SHE HAS NO FKING RIGHTS TO ASK ME TO BREAK WITH HIM, GET THAT RIGHT. When I was afraid, when I was alone, he was here for me, accompanying me. NOW SHE BANNED HIM FROM MY HSE, insulting him. WHAT RIGHTS OF A MUM SHE HAS TO THAT? UNGRATEFUL BITCH. YES, I SAID THESE HARSH WORDS.

He might still not be matured for me yet, but he certainly loves and cares for me much more than my mum did.

我对这个家，绝望了。I will not go to granny's anymore on Sundays. I will attend those functions or stuff. Say whatever they/you want, but i'm not going, unless I change my mind.

I hate her, thats an undeniable FACT. I couldn't believe how selfish she was. All she thought was for herself. She doted on my sister bcos she felt that I would be useless when I grow up, that I couldn't provide for them when I grew up. When my sister MIA-ed, she was furious, she regretted. She told me they would have to depend on me. After my sis came back, she changed back. But look, does she come back every weekend ? I could feel her heart's not even here. When I called her on Saturday, asking her to check if ViCi needs anything for lunch or dinner, she was rude to me. ' WHAT? IM AT HOME! ' Like I owe her a living.

Hahaha. She could act very well in front of others. Like she doted on me. But it wasn't the first time, she was rude to me.

I hated the times I'm at home.

Sighs, perhaps I should just end here. Enough of my slient rants.

161009 ` trickling tears

2009-10-17T00:27:00.009+08:00

16 Oct 2009:

Today, I overslept ! BOOHOOHOOS! I was 1 and a half hour late for ceramics. Duhs! When i got there, I wanted to try out the wheel thingy .. which I did, but had problems with it because of the nails I did at Vici's. Was already planning to remove it so, its okay.

Guess it's just too long, I still prefer my own nails.

Submission for Alt. Drawing today is till 5pm initially, but I got it wrong and thought it was 2pm. BTH! I SUPER BLUR LA! PS dar, made u wait from 12pm to 6pm.. Finally can retrieve our work at 6pm. HEH!

I cried today in sch.. while I was confiding to wanru. Thanks WanRu for counseling me, I really do appreciate it very much, really .. thanks. Not to forget those who cared - Serena, Spencer & Joy.

Perhaps, 虽然我得不到她公平的对待，得不到家庭的温暖，但是庆幸的是，我有一群真心的朋友在我身旁。他们，就像是我的守护天使。Words can't express how thankful I am to them, but I know, they are angels for, they could accept me for who I am, they sincerely cared, they were selfless, always there for me.

Suicidal thoughts filled my mind ever since what happened ytd. But not to worry, I felt better after WanRu's counseling. haha.

Went to eat at the Jap restaurant or something at Cathay B1.. gosh ! Our bill for 8 ppl totals up to $100.25 ! didn't eat much oso nehs !

After collecting our work, went to meet Aaron & Dar at National Library. Ate dinner with them, then proceeded home after a short walk. Met Huiping at POMO.

041009 ` when troubles keep coming..

2009-10-04T12:27:00.010+08:00

04 oct 2009:

I didn't know that I'm still sick..my tummy still hurts on n off.. bleahs.. I guess sth's wrong with my tummy.. D:

我快要崩溃了。好多东西要忙。It's submission for my assignments this & next week. Quite a few still not done yet. sobs!

doc says sis's eyes is okay but suspects there is something in her head.. mum told me she's afraid its tumor. sometimes I don't know what to believe from mum's mouth. She exaggerates everything. -.-

sighs.. sis's bdae coming soon too.. haven't thought of what to get her yet.. :l

011009 ` depressed ..

2009-10-02T00:13:00.005+08:00

01 Oct 2009:

Romantic, surprising proposal. If it were me, 我肯定跑不动。

A dream wedding .. simple yet touching.

300909 ` the taste of disappointment .

2009-09-30T15:16:00.006+08:00

30 sep 2009:

Recently, I've watching "命中注定钱我爱你" on youtube. 我，找到很多相似的感触。

- 被丢下的感受，有多难受，你知道吗？
- 每一次北方鸽子，又多么失落，你知道吗?
- 每一次期待和你见面，有多么提心吊胆，你又知道吗？

Sometimes, it's just funny how things happen.. like fate playing jokes on us. 有时爱情来得那么突然，然你无法抵抗。有时候，你会觉得，也许达从一开始，就不因该有这份爱的开始。

在爱情里，一定会有一方付出得比较多。有时候对方似乎看不到那一切，因为一切都来得太晚了。

- 选择离开的是她，回来后后悔的也是她。如果，当初要选者放弃这段感情，就不应该后悔，把责任全都怪在无辜得第3者身上。因该选择面对，她当初选择放弃的事！

我，何必这么傻，还选择制作，早已因该放弃。我知道他对我的好，别人所看不到的体贴，但是，他却没发现.. 一切都太迟了。它带来的伤痛和失落，我每一次都选择沉默，是不是因为这样，他以忽视了这一点。说什么都太迟了。

他连一通电话或简讯也没有。

Mum just came home. She gave me a shocking news. 姐姐今天早上起床要去面试的时候，张不开眼睛。It's just so sudden and so fast. Why is it happening on her? How can she accept this reality.. I just can't imagine, if the next moment, i cant see a thing. If my world turns dark, the only thing I would have wanted is death.

我不愿面对事实，我不想接受一切。威慑么上帝要这么不公平，这样对她？

290909 `

2009-09-29T15:49:00.007+08:00

29 Sep 2009:

命中注定我爱你 - “平反没有什么不好，平反才最有力量，千万不放弃”

Hais.. 不知道为什么，最近肚子一直在痛，该怎么办？也许是因为我迷迷糊糊的吃下过期食物，所以才这样。就连呆呆，原来也是因为我在 serangoon north 买的过期 hamster food, 不肯吃，而我又不知道，才饿死的。真的很惭愧，但我又能怎样？它已经走了..

went to see doc .. 原来我这几天肚子会突然痛，是因为我不小心吃了过期的食物。So, this week wont be going school le. cos thurs got heart scan. Friday got NAFA Fun Day so no nid go..

290909 ` A big day !

2009-09-29T02:05:00.009+08:00

29 Sep 2009:

It's Fann Wong & Christopher Lee's wedding today! 真的很想看!

There's some stuff that caught my eye, that I really want .. perhaps I'll get it .. I try.

- 78 piece makeup palette. or http://www.momoren.me/order.php

- Fleece Backpack. But it's out of stock. Really sad about it. sighs. .

我真的很喜欢那个包包。Doubt they have it in Singapore.

Someone complained that my recent posts do not have pictures of myself.

So here they are .. :x

Look at my pink nails. Gel nails done by Vici. It's pretty, though not what I wanted. Pretty on me, but just not me. Like the saying goes, nails are like the soul of one, it is the nails that gives people the first impression what kind of a girl she is.

I liked them, I really do. But it's just not me. Perhaps, if I had more confidence it would fit me perfectly. The impression I had on the nails were like, it should have belonged to a girl who is attractive, one who is the naturally center of attention kind, one pretty be it heart, nature or appearance.

But, definitely not me. The nails I liked requires more time and that was what we lacked that day. Vici stayed up till 2am to finish it for me. I was very touched but I did not know how to express it.

虽然很多次我都有那个冲动想要把它弄掉，但是想一想，这也是一个机会让我告诉我自己，我其实一点也不难看。应该对自己有多一点信心！

I prefered the 2nd photo, took using Photo Booth on mac. Prettay effect there.

2.38am right now, 下雨了，晚了，是时间该睡了。我只想说，我很喜欢这种鱼的味道。似乎把我脑海里的一切烦恼，暂时抛在一边。

也许，最近不会拍什么照片。看吧。晚安！

wondergirls

2009-09-29T02:00:00.003+08:00

I decided to share this video from youtube. It kept my eyes on the screen. The girls were so beautiful. I was so, attracted to them. Then, there was this comment posted by some idk who to this video.. it says ..

ryanJogas09

girls: i want nobody nobody but you!
boys: I WANT YOUR BODY YOUR BODY NOT YOU!

HAHAHA! Funny la LOLS! It seems like a trend, replacing lyrics with some funny stuff.

250909 ` moments of shock ..

2009-09-25T21:15:00.005+08:00

25 sep 2009:

I skipped Ceramics today. 起步来。Hmms.. went for Digital Design & Layout. sians. Last minute, Lecturer say must print out for her to critique. She didn't say need to print lor last week. Everyone also say so. Only Wenjie ytd ask her den say nid to print.

After class, met up with Dar to go Chinatown to meet Aaron for lunch & Koi's Bubble tea. Heees. Ate chicken rice as usual. Walked about after that and then went to meet Sis. Sighs..

Only then did I realise, 我真的很差劲！我很难过，为什么, Happy 已经被 put to sleep 了，我竟然没有发觉到！No wonder, yesterday there was no signs of Happy's painful howls.

Went to Vici's shop at Chinatown, People's Park Centre, located beside Each-A-Cup. Though the area is small, but I liked it the way it is. Simple yet Arty. Her pricing is definitely cheap and I liked her service. She definitely has talent in this.

I had pedicure in light purple and would be doing gel nails. Had a hard time choosing. Saw several designs I really liked but doesn't suit me. In the end I finally decided on a design. HOURS later. HAHAHAHA! I know I took SUPER DUPER LONG, but it would be on my hand for at least 2 months, it would definitely had to be something I love, rights?

好累哦，很多功课。又有很多烦恼。

250909 ` here comes another ..

2009-09-25T00:53:00.002+08:00

25 Sep 2009:

Sis told us a bad news we were not prepared for. She will turn blind. The doctor says there is no cure for that currently. She also warned me to be careful as she fear it might be genetically and says it occurs during her late 20s. Yes, I do not deny that I'm afraid.

Words cannot explain how I feel now. What can I do? Upset, but there is nothing I could do to help. I wanted to make things better for her, but I don't know how. Perhaps, I'm just a lousy sister.

I need breathing space, urgently. I feel lousy. My work seems to be all crap. Not something of designer kind of work. Zel wanted me to redo my zouk postcard and webpage. Bel wants me to redo my graph. Haha, does that tell u how lousy I am now?

I feel so stressed up. I can't wait for holidays to come. The homework piling up, is killing me. Bit by bit, everything seems to be draining my life away..

DaiDai is no longer here with me anymore. He's gone. When I feel down there's no one I could hold, there's no one i could bully or touch anymore. I miss him so much, but he's never gonna come back to life anymore.

Yours Sincerely,
- the ugly doll.

Connie Talbot [2]

2009-09-24T22:43:00.004+08:00

I'm falling in love with her voice. It's like my daily dosage of drug .. try going to YouTube to look for her songs. They are really great. Here's some:

Connie Talbot & Blind Korean Girl

2009-09-24T22:11:00.002+08:00

omgs. what else can I say ! I'm so amazed, impressed, stunned, shocked .. whatever is there ! The girl playing the piano is blind yet she can play so well ! Awwws !! Connie Talbot sings so beautifully she did wonders ! I mean, at the age of 6 she sings this well ?! OMGS !

I wonder if they sell her CD in Singapore !

After listening to her sing, I feel so much light-hearted.. happier .. carefree. Should listen to her sing more :x .

140909 ` He left me ..

2009-09-14T21:53:00.004+08:00

14 Sep 2009 :

Today, while I was busy searching for my file where I kept all my NHC (National Heart Centre) stuff, I took a peep at my hamsters, only to realise, DaiDai passed away. I should have noticed something amiss yesterday when he seems somewhat not okay or perhaps few days ago when i realise the hamsters did not touch their food. I tried using a chopstick to touch him, but he did not move after several tries, I had to face reality, face the fact he was not longer here with me. He left ShaSha & Me.

I cried uncontrollably, tears trickling down my cheeks. My face was never this wet before. I cried terribly. My heart was never this pain before. I never felt so lifeless before. He meant a lot to me. I treasured the times only he allowed me to touch and hold him reluctantly. The way he is cute and blur, thus his name 呆呆.

I chose to cremate him, but I regretted not choosing the one with ashes. But, it was too expensive for me. I couldn't fork out so much. I thought it was only $32 as stated on the website but upon reaching, they told me they had already updated the charges. Hamster costs $100 for cremation with ashes. I had no choice but to choose the one without. I regretted. The rest of the day was meaningless to me. I still couldn't find the file. I'm so dead. I miss him.

I still have not come to a decision if, i should get another hamster, or should I not.

090909 ` a walk into my heart .

2009-09-09T14:22:00.003+08:00

o9 Sep o9:

It was till I listened to YES93.3FM that I knew today was o9o9o9 ! Nice date ! If I was single I would have wished to get someone I love on this date. Hehs.

我跟他之间出现了问题，他却没发现我的手早已松开了。等待的，只是时机的来临，我累了。我早已承受不了那些失落和痛，原来爱情可以让一个人精力充沛，也能把一个人的生命满满的榨干。

我已告诉自己，下一次分手，就不会再回头。

不是我不体贴，也不是我不懂得体谅，我知道他有他的理由，但是，我已承受不了了。

Perhaps if we broke up, he would have saved money on my chalet and present, if any.

本来约好了，今天中午他要来我家，因为我得做功课，但是，他又失约了。因为 Aaron stayed at his place till 2pm to meet someone else. 过后，他却告诉我，他会很吃菜来，因为爸爸出门了，要他收东西。我没怪他，但是我已放弃了。我学会放手了。

会失落，想放手，但我知道那并不可能。

' It's draining my life away, bit by bit. ' - Ileana Lim

020909 ` struggling to cling on ..

2009-09-02T20:03:00.005+08:00

- if you hated emo posts, dont continue reading. -

2 Sep 2009 :

Went to school for discussion on tml's presentation on Incunabula. Arghhs. It's a tough topic for me, I don't quite understand it. Didn't have enough sleep, rushed to school but ended up reaching first. Made sandwich for breakfast, ate it on the way to school.

I was actually worn out but I kept it to myself. Ate duck rice nearby, it was quite a big plate and I managed to finished it all ! Considered quite cheap too ! HeeHees !

When we were finally done with discussion, it was already in the evening. Met Aaron for dinner and walked around. Nothing much. Dar was not there. He said he couldn't come. I was disappointed, very.

I know he wants to save money for my birthday present and chalet, but I've already told him .. there's no need for presents. There is no need to save money to a state like this. I'm aware that he isn't keen on this chalet, perhaps .. I shouldn't have a chalet for my 21st. I'm starting to regret it, perhaps I should have just stayed at home. Thou it would be a good opportunity for grandma to stay over at the chalet and admire the scenery there. I think its a pretty good idea for her, instead of cooping at home.

There is just too many stuff I'm worried and troubled over. I'm sick and tired. At times, I would have the impulsiveness to break up. About to break down, I know he has his reasons for not being able to meet up, but I just can't endure any more of it any longer. There is nothing I look forward to at school, apart from thursdays where I get to see WanRu, Spencer and Joy.

Everytime I would get so disappointed when he sms-ed me informing me he couldn't meet. How long more could I hang on to this relationship? Every single thing is draining my life away, bit by bit .. Be it relationship, school, family or myself.

I'm having a tough time, trying to tell myself I have to hang on to life, I can't just die yet. Those excuses or reasons I tell myself over and over again.

No one seems to understand me at all. Not my family, neither others. It's not going to work, telling me how much loved ones would hurt and miss me if I were gone. Sometimes it just hurt far too much, my thoughts would always run wild. I would always think of inflicting pain on myself.

Yes, that's the shocking truth perhaps most of you don't know about me. I'm under depression. I would use pain as a way, to numb the pain I'm going through spiritually or emotionally. Thats ME.

The real me, will never surface for it scars far too deep to heal. Like I've said before, I hated my existance. Won't it be better if I could give my life to people who needed it more? I'd be more than willing. But what would come to of my parents?

Her pain, her tears, her sufferings and her slient rants .. no one seem to notice.. she's struggling for survival. Her tears, no one to wipe it off for her.. 我真的活到很辛苦。

220809 ` whats wrong with me ..

2009-08-23T00:37:00.025+08:00

22 Aug 2009:

Went out with dar .. didn't eat anything till evening. D: !

sighs. I was still happy and cheerful in the morning, but I don't know what's wrong, I turned emo the moment i was outside. Perhaps because I knew ppl kept staring at me, and I detest it. I tried to ignore, but I still emo-ed.

Took some pics while walking towards the MRT station, will upload here later.. since dar wants them. =l Met Aaron, he reached first though. Went to get my macbk pro's acrylic cover.. D; Disappointed when the salesman told me for my "model", they've only got orange left which was the last piece and they WOULD NOT be getting more stocks. sighs.. Was hoping to get either pink or black. -pouts-

Went to eat steamboat later on and it was kinda packed. There were no seats at the aircon area so we had no choice but to choose the tables outside. Rather reluctant but, oh well, no choice! The quality of the food were not as good as those we had when they just opened. It wasn't that fresh and instead of cooked chilli crab, they had cooked chilli mussels.Bleahs.

Almost miss out this part, I chose 麻辣 for soup base while Aaron and Dar chose the Chicken soup base with herbs. Did I regret, I don't know. I had the spicy soup base to my own which wasn't what I was hoping for. I thought dar would have shared with me but he told me he hated it. The whole part of the spicy side was filled with CHILLIES ! zzz . After quite some time did I realise that I should have taken all the chillies out ! What a sotong ! Bleahs.. Aaron volunteered to help me with it. Hees ! It was so spicy I kept getting dar to get drink for me. My face was red and My lips were a little swollen, both of them told me. But I couldn't care less. It was too spicy at the end I had no choice but to eat the one with the chicken soup base.

Before we head home, we went to 打包 desserts. I bought Steamed Milk with Hashima home ! Heehees ! Favs !

Went home via cab cause I was too lazy to take train home. I had to admit, I was too tired, lazy and also, I hated it when people just keep glaring or staring at me like some thing's wrong with me I dont belong to this planet. duhs ! People who judges the others before anything was said or understood.

190809 ` Sudden Attack ..

2009-08-19T18:11:00.010+08:00

19 Aug 2009:

This was a sudden news to me, for a moment I could not believe it was true. Aaron sms-ed all his friends, informing us that he is a suspected case of H1N1. He also told me that he has a high chance, which was what the doctor told him. He's waiting for his lab results. I'm worried for him. He really sounded terrible on the phone. Hope he'll get well soon. Heehees !

I was supposed to meet Farhan they all for the creative imaging product photoshoot editing of photos.. but they told me it was better for me to stay at home as I had contact with Aaron on Sunday though he only got it on Tuesday. It was for safety precautions too. Oh well, no choice. I was pretty upset because I was all set to leave the house already.

I felt unwell. I had slight flu and cough, nauseous and felt extremely tired. I thought it was pretty unusual to feel so tired, the whole day. I struggled on whether I should visit a doctor a not, but after asking others for opinion, they thought it was better if i went.. so, I went.

Hmm.. I was strength-less. I was afraid I could hold on till I reach the clinic. But nevertheless, I still went. The doctor prescribed me Tamiflu tablets that was SO EXPENSIVE. MEHHHH! 70+ bucks ! *faints* ! She said there was no need to do lab tests and stuff as I had heart problem which she advise would be better I took Tamiflu tablets for precaution or treatment. She also gave me 3 days MC. -.-

It totaled up to 90+ bucks lor ! WAHHHHHS ! The Tamiflu, consultation and Lozenges ! Initially I wanted to get Shaker fries and Himalayan Tea Frappe before going home at Mac but I was too unwell so I went straight home after getting Fried Kuay Tiao at a coffee shop near my house.

Not long later, I had tummyache and went to the toilet twice. This is just terrible lor. Sighs ! Did the sketches Zel wanted but only 3. Can't think of more !

Sighs, sad. Dar can't go out this 7 days, Aaron too. =( !

Actually, I was supposed to rest in bed but I ended up taking pictures! Arghs.. I'll upload few up here..

Sleeping, with doggie plush. A bday gift from Aaron and Elvin on 2008.

There's a message for this picture. It's depicting A girl sleeping with her plushies. Her parents were always not at home. Dar says this picture I look like doll, bcos of the contrast with the plushie. DUHS!

Yay! That huge doggie plush in the pictures. As mentioned abv, a birthday gift from Aaron and Elvin on Nov 2008.

160809 ` whats become of this world ?

2009-08-16T23:04:00.004+08:00

16 Aug 2009 :

Today, I did not visit Granny like I was supposed to every Sunday. Instead I went out with Aaron and Dar to Yishun, as they wanted to get some stuff for their fishes. I was hoping I could take some pics for my Alt. Drawing Methods. But I doubt they were suitable, not what I had in mind.

Ate Fish Head Steamboat. It was YUMMILICIOUS! HEHES! I was like bloated to the state I felt like puking. bleah bleahs ! It was raining heavily norhs. And I hate that especially when im outside.

Took a long ride home, from yishun interchange to tampines interchange. omgs.. can you imagine how long the ride was ? -.-

Bought Himalayan Tea Frappe on the way home. Hees ! I panicked when I thought I forgotten my keys but at last found it playing hide and seek with me in my bag. Hahahas ! Give me a fright lor !

My heart ached terribly, when I saw how Happy limped about. Sighs.. What my dad said was right, she was only waiting for her time to come.. every time i looked at her, I realised how cruel and mean life can be to one. All I could do was wish she wouldn't suffer anymore. My heart aches, for her.

That siamese cat wanted to enter my house AGAIN! O.O This time, it was worse. Despite Marco barking at the DOOR, the cat was at the STEPS of my house ! OMGS! So daring worrrs ! I was amazed and shocked. A huge part of me wanted to rear the cat very much, but there was nothing I could do.

This house isn't mine, so let's just forget it. My mum doesn't seem to fancy that cat at all. She believes cats enter your house meant bad omen or luck. DUHS! Most importantly, I've got 3 dogs at home, 2 of which are like 'tigers'. Haha. So, I can only dream of it. Sighs....

Not long later, there was a fight outside my house, again. damns! The cats were fighting, I don't know why though. The 'king' cat of this area my mum claim, was fighting with the siamese cat. Poor little siamese cat hid under my mum's flower pots. sobbs..

I've been thinking, how should I celebrate my birthday? I know going on a holiday is definitely not going to work bcos my mum's never going to approve of it. Chalet? I can only pray she allow me to overnight. Sighs.. '21 but nowhere close. '

130809 ` her melancholies.

2009-08-13T00:13:00.013+08:00

13 Aug o9:

I've been wanting to blog but I just got lazy, telling myself .. 'Aiyas, next time lars.'

I'm not okay. Whenever I get really bad, I would scribble on a paper with strength, even if I'm told to stop. Don't ask why but that's just what I do to vent my bottled frustrations, when I felt no one understands or whatever it may be.

I went to visit Grandma on last Sunday, but went off early to meet Aaron and Dar. ( Sorry WanRu, I didn't meet up with you and the rest as I had already agreed to meet them before you ask. ) I was worried, when I realised Granny's hearing problems worsen as compared to the past. It was bad enough she couldn't hear what we said. One side of her ears is deaf, and now she can't even hear clearly what we said. Every time Mum says something, she would mistook as something else. It's really depressing.

I plucked up the courage, to take pictures with mum and granny individually with them at Granny's place. Deep down, I was elated. I've been wanting to take pictures with them but didn't dare to.

I will, cherish the photos I took with grandma. I will.

I've been feeling exhausted, neglecting it. I've forgotten how it feels like, to be fresh. I'm always feeling worn out. I've been unable to blog bcos there were problems with posting and I found out many other singnet users experience this as well. But oh well, I've got the solution too. I've gotten a N97 from dad. Hees! Thou I was reluctant to trade in my previous N82 but, oh well.. no choice. It's kind of expensive. I love it a lot.

Thanks a lot Dad, I will treasure it bcos I know how much this meant to you.

I was touched but I had no idea how to express it to him, it felt awkward.

Sighs, piled with homework. Not long before the school started and I dread school. Oh well, Shall stop here.

Grandma & Me. She didn't know where to look, but its pretty. I ❤ u Grandma !

How it looks like.. when I scribbled ( as of what I was talking about above ). The paper's torn and tattered.

My Ghostie Face.. Somehow look comical. -.-

Dar's Ghostie Face. Big NOSEEEEYYY!

Aaron's Ghostie Face. Not bad. His smile's wide. D:

The mountain of garbage bags filled truck this poor cleaner had to push around collecting from the bins! [ National Day at ECP ]

Dar & Me - Sweety Sweety!

Aaron & Me. weees ! - our first pic tgt.

My N97 from my beloved dad.

My pretty hp strap the kitty at my void deck wanted to play with. ❤!

310709 ` pieces of my life ..

2009-07-31T00:28:00.014+08:00

31 July 2oo9:

I was actually quite lazy to blog because school has started. I was kind of unhappy initially and hated to go school, because I was in a new class with eleanor only. I missed my old class, I really do. These were new faces I never approached before. I was shy and quiet in nature, this hindered me in making friends with them as compared to the rest.

I was kind of 自毙 perhaps others would think as I sat at corners and kept to myself. I don't know why but that was what happened to me. I felt like I was extra, like I was not needed in class, perhaps because the others were in cliques and I did not know what to talk to Eleanor about. I'm struggling with it.

Sighs, I know I should be more sociable and open up, but it's just DIFFICULT for me. Every time I summon up the courage, persuading myself, I would end up all loss ! RAHHHHS ! Just WTH is wrong with me. I'm just not being myself !

WanRu is really good to me, She told WenJie to take good care of me in class, because she knows about this. I confided in her. I did not expect her to go to such an extent and I thought her listening would be good enough for me. I'm really touched by her actions but I don't know how to express it. I kept quiet and smiled, but I wonder if she knew.

People in class were trying to get to know me, I suppose. But it's kind of weird, that's how I feel. Phyllis is cute and she attracts my attention. She's bubbly and she's just herself. I was kind of surprised when she smiled at me that day. -excited- Today, when it's time for Alternative Drawing at 3pm, our class ended 15 mins earlier and I went to class. When I was outside the class, some of them including Phyllis was there. Jervin, Phyllis, Yuen and WenJie asked me for my name and actually mixed mine and eleanor's up. Haha ! As usual. =P ! But that expression on WenJie's face was funny. Haha.

I'm actually grateful they didn't 排斥 me just because I was too thin, because I felt that it isn't easy to accept me. It's just great knowing people are so friendly and kind to me, unlike in the past and the public that I sometimes wish, I don't see them at all.

我很渴望能增肥，我想变得跟别人一样，我不想有异样的眼光无时无刻的盯着我。那种感觉很难受。我也想变美。

Why, am I different from the rest, Why am I so thin ? Sometimes I really wonder.

Kinda Jealous Shanlyn and Eclair same school ( LaSelle ) .. sobs.. none of them same school as me.

Here are some photos I took :

Ninja Aaron. Haha !

H1N1 Alert ! Please wear mask ! =x

Dolly ( grandma place's doggy ). Cutie yet ferocious!

Errhs.. Patrick Yee did this on Spen's foto. I merely took a pic. :X He put on his head at first.

MEMEME! Wind Effect! Photogenic perhaps? PeiLing says doesn't look like me. T___T

At the fountain outside Suntec. Bunny Bag x3 !

BIG BIG DURIAN!

Pistachio Ice Cream made of Goat Milk at Clarke Quay! Yumms! I finished an ice cream by myself for the first time ! D:

I saw this on the whiteboard at typography's classroom. Reminds me of spencer's nick.

Yours Sincerely,
Ileana

Vid : Tanaka Reina - Memory Seishun No Hikari(sub)

2009-07-22T08:45:00.002+08:00

Came across this video and thought it's nice.

Tanaka Reina - Memory Seishun No Hikari(sub)

210709 ` first day of my 2nd year term one.

2009-07-21T20:50:00.010+08:00

21o7o9:

oh wows. I thought I won't be able to blog.. I couldn't type my entry for quite some time. The page just got screwed up. Okays, anyways.. here's my entry.

It's the first day of my year 2 today at NAFA and it hasn't really been a pleasant one. I was pretty much upset but I kept it to myself.. Thou I did tell myumyu and dar about it via sms.. but after that I kept it to myself. Yeaps.

I was waiting for the lift at campus 1 wing A to go to class today but behind me entered a group of malays (guy+girls) who so happened to be immatured and inconsiderate. They did not use their brains to think how it would have hurt others. What makes them think they are pretty much better than me when this action of theirs just killed it. They are no angels and I think I deserve to be banished to hell. YES, i meant it.

Didn't they use their fcuking brains or was it there for display? Yes, I'm serverely underweight and so what. Does that give them the right of calling me names? I was right infront of them and they were talking bad about me.

'Hey! I saw bamboo forest here!' *note he kept repeating the word bamboo* The girls among his group laughed non-stop. Next, He said ' are there any pandas around here? ' .. in my mind i was like WTF! Too much nors. (yes, i just said WTF & its vulgar). Even after entering the lift they did not stop their nonsense. The guy continued by calling me JuOn.. just that im the taller version..

What? They think im dumb? I know they are fcuking saying about me. But I just dont wish to quarrel with some people with no brains.

They do not see beyond things. An apple means an apple to them. I wonder how they are art students when their brains are like that.

So what happens if their client in future is of a similar case as me? Are they going to do the same thing? Monkey brains. (I wanted to scold P-brains very much but showed some respect because their religions consider P a dirty animal.)

Then, creative imagery was boring. Though it sounded easy but I think its a little tough or tricky too. Nothing much to talk about actually. But it was pretty weird for me cause we were all sitting by the sides of the room on stools, not like the usual classrooms we had.

I have more malay and guy classmates as compared to my year 1 i think. Seriously, I miss my year 1 class and I think it's the best class I've had. It's a pity we had to separate class. -sighs- I kept to myself today. Was extremely quiet cause of what happened earlier on so I suppose didn't really make friends.

Had a 2 hr break inbetween classes.. Eleanor & I went to the kopitiam foodcourt nearby for lunch and it was packed. Duhs. I had (white skin) chicken rice while she had nasi goreng/bryani with prawns. I too, tried to ignore the fact many were looking or staring at me. I hate it when I seem to catch others' attention.

After our lunch, we went back to library to look for WanRu, Spencer & the rest. WanRu, Spencer, YongDe and Edwin was like drawing and teasing each other. Haha. It was pretty funny.

WanRu showed us some gross videos. She claims she likes to search for stuff like these. At that moment I was like thinking, ' huh.. why wanru like to watch these? so gross!' It was like videos of people's brain there got worm or larvae.. then go doc there force it out. YUCKS! I can't bear to think of it. -faints-

We still had time to spare since class starts at 3pm.. so I took out my book to read. <>. After that went for Digital Imagery class.. Did a powerpoint of the difference between vector and raster graphics within an hour. My groupmate accidentally press restart so had to redo. bleahs.. I helped them with it. Heehee.

After that went to wait for dar den walk walk around but not for long cause I was feeling uncomfy I keep seeing people stare at me. Got really depressed so I took a cab home. In the cab, the feeling was kinda stronger.. I thought about the day.. wanted to blog about it but my internet ruins it all.

I suppose having mio tv doesnt benefit ur internet at all. I regret installing mio tv now. sighs. I would always have problems surfing net or logging in msn msnger. Irritates me.

170709 ` East Coast Park !

2009-07-18T12:22:00.014+08:00

17o7o9 :

Went to ECP with Aaron and Dar. This time we rode bicycles, which was something I feared ever since I fell from the bicycle last time. While riding, I actually failed to notice the paint on the bicycle came off till I reach home!

It's also been a long time since I excercised so much. The first time I felt I sweat worthwhile.

Like I said, riding bicycle was something I feared, so .. I actually did scream and panic quite often when I'm afraid I might just crash or have an accident. I'm starting to think I'm someone who never fails to worry.

I've never cycled this area before. The end was the "steep slope" I screamed.

YAY! Kitty brushed its body against me.

Look at that ! So cool lors !

A group of kitties! Someone was feeding them earlier on. Strangely, the brown one just keeps looking at the carpark where the person walks away.

This lollipop tastes quite nice. Unique packaging but needs to improve a little I feel.

I've never ate this combination before.. Fried Hokkien Mee with prawns + oyster .. I doubt I'll try again cause it isn't cooked that deliciously as I thought it would be.

Prawns thats kinda crunchy. Dar said it was dipped into salt water first to make it crunchy.

YAYS! Me, Dar and Aaron! 'Group' photo at bedok jetty. See the beach behind !

The View without us blocking. So pretty ! Too bad its getting dark.

Group photo 2.. Not a nice shot I suppose, background wrong liaos..

The kitty that belongs to my void deck.. haha. The light brown de very timid de lor. see human go near run far far. -.- I like those black stripes de. Poor thing.. Tail short short de, I think got 'chopped' away..

Before we went home we were sitting alongside the beach chatting. 'Gotcha!'

The inner reveals of the Chupa Chups Lollipop.. 6 Mini ones.

MeMeMe! Trying to take a photo with the Sea as BG but too dark. ZZZ!

Me when its not so dark. Somehow looked like I was moving perhaps cos the wind was too strong.

Ending here. Sad, School's starting..

140709 ` hatred..

2009-07-14T12:29:00.003+08:00

14o7o9:

I hate the fact I'm born into this family, I hate the fact I exist. 我讨厌她！It is so fking obvious she's biased. What am I to her? I was never something. I'm just a piece of floating wood on the sea she held on to when the boat sink. A piece of wood she would dump aside when it's of no use to her. 对她来说，我的存在一点意义也没有。

There are so many things I do not wish to talk about here, but proves in my eyes that she's bias. I'm not spouting nonsense so don't tell me she loves me. The things they said will NEVER, NEVER be erased from my memory. The pain and tears I had every night will never be forgotten.

What's the point of celebrating your 21st birthday when there's no freedom to talk about. I'm sick and tired of life, I wish I'm dead. The every moment I exist, every minute I'm in this house, brings nothing but pain.

I'm trying to cling on, to struggle and live on. But she's making life difficult for me. Why am I like a caged bird, with no freedom to talk about. I hate the way she treats me and my sister so differently. I was never like her, nowhere close. But why, doesn't she control my sis more as compared to me. I never smoked, never an 'ahlian', never went clubbing, never left house before.. I'm just a 乖乖女。Since young, when my mum always cane me, I would just stand there like a dumb fk and let her cane. My sis would always run. WHY.

All I wanted was the same treatment she gave my sis. I hate life. It hurts when people around me lives happily with their family, yet im living in pain. I was never anything to them. They do not even care about me.

I ate not even lick the D24 durian daddy bought home, cos I was having tummyache.. yet dad gave it my cousins and granny. Everything. Not even a bit left. I'm not being selfish, I'm not greedy over the durians. But I see those, as love. I was happy they bought it home, thinking it was for me.

Behind my silence, lays nothing but unhappiness. There are many things I kept only to myself. I tried to disguise my unhappiness with smiles.

When I lose control of myself, it would be the point of time in life I'm not myself anymore. I've been trying to tolerate everything.. keeping everything to myself. Don't push me to the point I choose to suicide.

2009-07-13T07:45:00.006+08:00

I went to Cosfest VIII 2009 with shan last saturday. I didn't take much cos i was kinda depressed. I got frightened by 2 naruto cosplayers..too bad i didnt get the chance to snap their pics.There's this guy that kinda 帅 lor.. when he cosplay.. quite a lot of gers were going gaga over him. haha. I didnt get to snap his pic ! SAD ! ppl were blocking me.. But shan managed to.

Here are the pics.

The guy girls were going gaga over.

Shan took this pic of me. -.-. 'Which Route Should I Choose?'

Shan's work again. haha. emo girl ~ me obviously -.-

Yay! Shugo Chara ! =x The ger cute norhs !

I got no idea what anime they are from =\ But the one on the left kinda popular for pic taking.

She was posing for her friend to help her take pics.

O.O! Kissing~ Nopes. Not lip to lip lols.

Yuna.. cute costume she have there.

erms.. fried mushroom from NYNY. :x

Waffle with Choco Ice Cream. ^^

Shaniie Shan Shan ! With that cute cool pose. Pinchable face :x

060709 ` when things turn ulgy for me..

2009-07-06T11:57:00.004+08:00

o6o7o9 :

我一点也不开心。因为，我被分配到另外一个班。Different from Spencer, WanRu and Joy. 现在，只能希望有人能和我同班。 If no one's in the same class as me, I guess I'm just having extreme bad luck today.

原本愉快的心情现在，都被搞砸了。待会儿我还得回学校一趟交学费。Sighs! I'm trying not to brood too much about it but, seems like I cant get it out of my head till I know someone's in the same class as me. It's always like this for me, perhaps because I don't have any sense of security. My fears that the past replays again is always there. I'm still afraid people cannot accept me for who I am. I hate those stares and misjudgements but there's nothing I can do about it if it's already decided in their mind.

现在的我和他稳定多了，不过他一直由暗恋者向他告白。我并不是很在意，因为我相信要对彼此有信任。我知道，他深深地爱着我。

Today's his first day of school after his long break. Hope everything's going on well for him. Though that means I'm alone most of the time till school reopens.

I think NAFA seriously have to do something about that module registration thingy. It's been lagging since I don't know what time. Till now I can't register for my modules. I wonder what class is Queenie in. I sms-ed her but she did not reply ..

I think I wanna stop for now, got no mood to do anything.

040709 ` picys flood !

2009-07-05T00:01:00.007+08:00

Mel & Aaron chatting at ECP on 3rd July 2009

Me, Mel & Aaron ECP 3rd July 2009

Me & Mel. ECP 3rd July 2009
PS his face cut off =x

Sheba (喜娃) - Singapore Zoo's Polar Bear

Me & Mel. 4th July 2009
Yays ! Onboard Singapore Zoo's tram.

Inuka - Singapore Zoo's Polar Bear
The Very First Tropical Born Polar Bear, Sheba's Son !

Aaron & Mel catching some sleep.
Took secretly on bus on the way back to CCK MRT.

040709 ` A Trip To The Zoo

2009-07-04T22:59:00.007+08:00

o4o7o9 :

Aaron has been asking me quite some time for the song title of my colour-me-tone he heard when he called me. I managed to find the title of this song at last. A nice song, thus I decided to share it here in my blog.

Lyrics:

很感激这城市拥挤的交通
让你我还能多相处几分钟
人潮中怕失散所以轻轻拉你的手
一刻不放松不放松

忍不住想要爱你的冲动
不确定你属于我会有点寂寞
你给的幸福在我心中自由走动
抚平我每一个伤口
忍不住想要吻你的冲动
不确定我的执着能让你感动
我只能相信自己感受不怕失落
关于你的一切我想要比谁都懂

我的心是被你设定的闹钟
提醒我想你的时间不够用
为什么平淡的事情现在忽然生动
是你改变我你改变我

忍不住想要爱你的冲动
不确定你属于我会有点寂寞
你给的幸福在我心中自由走动
抚平我每一个伤口
忍不住想要吻你的冲动
不确定我的执着能让你感动
我只能相信自己感受不怕失落
关于你的一切我想要比谁都懂

你是情人还是朋友
还没勇气想得太多
你的世界如此辽阔
我会在哪个角落

忍不住想要爱你的冲动
不确定你属于我会有点寂寞
你给的幸福在我心中自由走动
抚平我每一个伤口
忍不住想要吻你的冲动
不确定我的执着能让你感动
我只能相信自己感受不怕失落
关于你的一切我想要比谁都懂

Okie dokes, Ytd Aaron asked me and mel if we wanted to go to the zoo and we agreed. It was a kinda last minute thingy. We agreed to meet at 9am but Aaron was afraid I couldn't wake on time so he changed it to 10am instead. We were both kinda surprised when I managed to wake on time, wows, and I even morning call the both of them. HAHA! Aaron's funny. Hees. He told me upon receiving my call, he jumped out of bed and rushed out asap. He was afraid he would be late. When I finally reached RedHill, to meet Aaron and Mel, I walked further up to see where Aaron was only to realise he took the same train as me. HAHA ! We were at different ends. Unexpected.

Mel wasn't ready yet so Aaron and I waited for him at the plattform. DUHS ! Slowpoke. :x Saw a little of the subway drama while waiting for him when it got interrupted by the next arriving train. What a spoiler. It caught our attention and it seemed nice.

When Mel finally reached, he took me by surprise. He wore a cap which he usually don't claiming his dad made him do so. Looked good on him but I didn't let him know about it. HAHA ! We then boarded the next train to Jurong East then transfer to the NS line's train to CCK. I got irritated when throughout the whole journey, there were people STARING at me. I hate using the word stare but yes, stare. When I told mel about it, he confirmed with me that they were really staring at me. It got me irritated, especially when these 2 aunties, KEPT staring at me like they've never seen a person before. Auntie A kept staring at me despite my 'silent warnings' trying to make her stop looking at me. Even after I looked at her several times, she continued staring at me. I got furious and complained to Mel about it. He helped me, by looking at her to make her stop. She turned away when he looked at her but still continue staring after that.

It's the first time in my life I got so furious I said out loud ' im so irritated '. I've never had the guts to express my feelings whenever it comes to situations like these. She was lucky we both had to alight, if the situtation persists, I'm sure I would say out loud ' I don't understand why some people loves to stare at people when they don't know about the person. I hate people who thinks their 'thoughts' are right.'

There's this Auntie B sitting beside Auntie A that's even more exaggerating. As Aaron blocked her view of looking at me, she shifted her body both left and right just to look at me, several times, even after I stared back at her irritatedly.

There's this Uncle who also kept 'looking' at me since we boarded the MRT from Redhill. These people spoiled my day. We took a bus to the Singapore Zoo after getting breakfast. The admission fee was S$18. We headed for the polar bears first as Aaron really wanted to see them. We missed them the last visit, they were in their airconditioned den. Sad! Inuka is HUGE! omgggg ! I love it when he dives into the pool. I suggested taking tram rides as I got pretty much tired. It was only S$5 and its unlimited for the day. Hehe ! Had KFC for lunch as Ah Meng Restaurant was packed. Disappointing since it smelled really good.

The only part I enjoyed other than watching the token feeding session of the polar bears was the goat feeding session. Hurray to that ! I fed them like around 7 to 8 times. It was fun and I felt it was kind of a good deed. The little ones were really cute but aches my heart when they got bullied by the larger ones. The whole herd were like greedy for food. They even fought several times. I got 'sneezed' at purposely too! I don't know why. The goat did made noise that sounded like 'nooooo' and I forget what else. Haha. Cute ! It's really fun and I suppose the favourite part of my visit to the zoo. I would still feed them again if I ever had the chance to. T-T I want to rear goats ~~~~~

We then headed to Queenstown to get my (monthly disposable)coloured contact lens. The lady boss charged me cheaper as I bought 5 boxes at one go. Only $15 per box. Very much cheaper compared to other brands.

Going to the zoo really wears me out. My camera died on me just after few shots. No batt lers ! T-T ! SAD ! Will post the pics some other day. Haha . Be patient. =) ! I'll just end here for today. Take cares.

With Love,
Ileana

170609 ` desires for death

2009-06-17T22:44:00.003+08:00

17o6o9:

I'm sorry but I suppose this would be another emo blog entry. If you have any objections please feel free to close the window. Sighs. I've been trying to hide the fact, every single day I yearn I don't exist.

I hate her. All she ever thinks of is herself. She has never spared a thought for me. Did she ? Haha ! She is threatening me again. Yet again. She fails to even bother to ask me the reason for my doings.

Do they even have time for me ? Have they ever cared for me ? Did they even think about my well-being ? Why did I turn out like that ?

They have neglected me since the point I existed. They failed as the duty of parents . Yes, I meant that. They were busy with work, I understand that is essential for survival and our family's welfare. But, they have neglected the welfare of my sister and me. The reason, I turn out this way. The reason why I'm different from the rest. I do not wish to speak into details about that though. For that, I apologise. They never shower me with care nor attention. I hate the naggings, lectures and scoldings I get from her every SINGLE day. No one seems to be able to stand her. Not even my grandma. I'm dying for the moment I stop breathing.

I'm always alone. I kept things to myself, even if I felt I was misunderstood or have endured any injustice. They do not even understand me. Sometimes, I simply hate staying at home.

I hate her, for all she sees is herself. All she favors is my sis. Why, now that she's nowhere around, the burden seems to lay on my shoulders. The burden that never seems to ever be there. Perhaps I was just their backup. A piece of junk they felt they were better without. I don't see the reason for my existance. Those words hurt like knives hurled at me. Those sentences I would never forget.

She always seem to complain about my high phone bills and me getting addicted to games. Have she ever questioned herself if she have showed me enough care and concern ? Or did she even bother to ?

All she sees in her eyes is herself.

Does she even know about me ? I could still remember clearly, that night when I realised she don't even know me. When she 'guessed' wrongly about my likes. At that moment, I was strucked with shock and severe disappointment. The thoughts that lingered on my mind indicates that she failed her duty as my mum. She never seems to care or understand.

It's too late for that now, even if she tries. There is no more space for her to invade. I'm already used to my lonely life.

I could still remember, I slept with maids while my sis slept in her room and my parents their own at granny's place. There was once I remembered clearly I suffered injustice and I cried bitterly TALKING to my teddy bear. That was pathetic.

I kept everything to myself. There is no point in explaining when they have already judged I'm at fault. She never noticed, the one who should be blamed isn't actually me, but them. However, I do admit I'm partly at fault too.

I hate my existance, I really do. All I plead of you, God, is to take my breath away. Every moment alive is a torture to me. Please, perhaps it would be better to give it to someone who needs it more.

140609 ` boredom kills.

2009-06-14T20:18:00.007+08:00

14o6o9 :

I hate sundays. I have nothing to do at granny's place so I decided to bring laptop to granny's place. Sighs.. I did not have enough sleep yesterday night as Marco disrupted my sleep. He kept 'knocking' on the doors loudly, both room door and toilet door. Duhs! When we opened the door for him, he simply stand there and did nothing. It repeated upteen times, till mum had no choice but to bring him down for a walk, thinking he needs to poo. We thought we were done for that day, but nope.. He continues doing it. Fed up but there is nothing we can do. So, yes, I didn't get to sleep well.

As I was tired, I took a nap in the late evening. I woke up late. Mum and Dad was already having dinner. I ate dinner with them. As I took a nap and woke up late in the night, I couldn't go to bed on time. Mum got furious. I was upset and I felt wronged. I played com. But I kept quiet. I played till late because I could get to sleep on time. Sighs! When I was trying to shut my room door, I had problems closing the door. When I shut the door, I accidentally slammed it onto my right hand's little finger. It hurts, still hurts till now. Sighs. My wrist hurts too. I have no idea what's wrong. -.-

Often, I would feel terrible because I kept things to myself. Mum doesn't seem to understand me at all. She always misunderstood me. Never bothers to ask for the reason. I'm tired of this all. I'm never doing things she like but she failed to realise, they were the cause of it. I don't want to explain anymore. It is obvious, I'm nothing to her. All she cares of is sis. Screwed life.

There is nothing I do that is right to her. I'm tired of this fcuking life and i wonder how long more i could last. I hate my life. I hate her.

Stranded alone on an island no one seems to notice. The tears that washed my face invisable to the eyes of others. The pain that haunts me silent to the ears of others. I'm living in pain, hating my existance.

He gave me problems and headache again. I'm tired of it but I just lack the courage and wit to come to a decision. I have no idea what I should do. I've been asked upteen times why am I still with him.. why just can't I leave him .. I don't know why .. I find no answer to that. Sighs..

280509 ` what more can i say ?

2009-05-28T15:37:00.003+08:00

28o5o9:

What more can I say ? We still can't get in contact with her. But we have news of her. Not from the police. At first, we were told she's in singapore hiding. We were puzzled why she had to do that. But her ex's mum told us before we knew she was hiding that she did a lot of bad things. She refused to divulge any further. Frustrated yet relieved. At least, she's fine. But, today.. i was told.. she's back in Aust. Like, WTH? Didn't the police do anything ?! ZZZ. If she is hiding because she have no money to pay and is raising the money, why does she have the money to fly back to Aust? Something is damn not right.

I'm tired. She's already 27 and she's like a kid. WTH is in her brain? She thinks she's smart? WTH is she trying to do? What more can I say? I dont think she fits to be my sister. Definitely not my elder sister. She used to. But not anymore. I am angry at her. For her mistakes, again and again without thinking back, without reflecting on her mistakes. She thinks she's the victim. Is she? What more is she hiding from the family. Many more. Suddenly, she feels like a stranger. Someone I don't know. I don't seem to know her nor understand her. She keeps things from the family yet others know much more than we do.

Are we still counted as her family? Why is she doing this to us? Making the family worried, especially my parents who have to work. They are worried for her all the time. I'm worried if they get careless and accidents happen. I dont want that. WTF is she thinking of ? Sighs..

It hurts me, when my mum told me, she felt she couldn't trust my sister anymore. My sister used to be her pillar.. the only pillar. I was nothing. Pretty much better of if they didn't have me. But now, she's relying on me. I should be happy, if this was what my mum told me in the past, but now.. it hurts and feel so heavy. It hurts. Words can't describe what im going through.

I pretend to be alright days by days, but im not. I know it, deep down im struggling, breaking down.. into pieces. Where is she? What has become of her? I really don't know.

Where is my sister? What has become of her? What happened to her?
I know, the family would help. But she wouldn't come back.
She hasn't realised the many mistakes she made.
Disappointment and pain is tearing me apart.

110509 ` feeling down ..

2009-05-11T13:35:00.014+08:00

11o5o9:

When to school today to see Miguel, cos that day I never hand up my Printmaking portfilo.. He told the class that day when they were having accessment that he would see me today at 10am at the fine arts office at lvl 4 wing B. So, tadah, i went and reached early. I waited and waited but he wasn't there. I've tried dialing few times but it was of no use. He wasn't in his office. I sat outside his office with my A2 size portfilo. BLEH ! So awkward lor. Lecturers when in and out of the office, students went in to get their western painting stuff.. They were all puzzled why I sat there so long.

Few lecturers asked, and I told dem i was waiting for Miguel. Hais. I waited for 1 hour plus before he arrived. Meanwhile, I smsed to cure boredom. At first, I thought there might be a SLIGHT possibilty wanru they all prank me, but i thought it wasn't quite possible cos I believe they won't joke on such a matter. No matter what, I continued waiting, hoping he would reach soon. Bleh. When I finally heard his voice, I was relieved. But it is when i saw him that changes the matter. He questioned me why did i not bring the portfilo during the accessment and I told him I forgot about it. I knew it through my classmate on the day he told dem but forgot about it as I was busy with ISP. I knew it was my fault. So I kept quiet. But he lectured me, not too fierce, yeaps. I think he can feel I very fragile so if he is fierce I cfm T-T. LOL.

Yeah, so I showed him my work and before that he did say the most I could get is either D or E. But wanru told me he said he won't fail me. Phews ! Heng ! Hehe ! But i'm still upset cos though I didnt fail, its a low grade. I felt that I've disappointed my mum. *pouts* Hais..I rushed home and rest awhile then went to meet Kaiern and Alvin. They wanted to Lan. We couldn't decide on a place. At first it was bunk, so i told the cabbie uncle bunk, then just as I was about to reach, we changed destination to Cyrus.Bleahs. I don't really know the exact location of Cyrus.. so i told the cabbie uncle near Great World City but not there. He's malay so i couldn't possibly tell him the famous ' Wen Dong Ji ' chicken rice. haha. He turned the wrong direction so we had to go one round again before i reach. Ern and Alvin wasn't there yet so I stood and waited outside. I was hungry, so i went to the 7-11 nearby to get some snacks.

Waited quite long but they weren't here yet. When they finally were, they were a little drenched due to the rain. We went in and yeaps.. maple lor. what else. haha . But it was pure boredom so I multi-tasked by blogging and playing Restaurant City on facebook. BOOHOOS ! I wanted to train my priest but theres no sponser neh. bleah. Gonna go kbox later with Aaron, Mel and Elvin. =). Hope I'll feel better. I'm still worried about her. She didn't cor ytd to wish mum Happy Mothers Day. I made a fruits basket for granny ytd and they praised me for being practical. HAHA. Potted plant in the basket. =p. Aunt Doreen said they shall not get bouquet of flowers next time cos its a waste of money and its expensive. Hais.

It was terrible. Having to hide from my relatives and esp my grandma the fact that my sister was lost. I've never thought that would happen. My sister, lost. what has become of her? Has she become bewitched by that guy? I can't help but think about it. Its like stuck in my mind.There is still no news for her.

Aaron say later 7-12 midnight kbox. But i don't know how to go home. so late de. no bus le leis.. bleahs. I have no idea what to do atm . O.O kinda bored in lan. Sleepy too. Chair too comfy. Haha ! Shall stop here first.

Sincerely,
Ileana

080509 ` Perfect Cut Theme Song

2009-05-08T22:53:00.002+08:00

I like it a lot. The lyrics are good.

080509 ` down on luck. scatterbrain, fated.

2009-05-08T22:06:00.003+08:00

o8o5o9:

Hais. Accessment today. But, I wasn't in mood. Upon reaching, I only realised I've totally forgotten about the Printmaking accessment today. ZZZZ! Screwed. -.- Hais. Seriously like down on luck lor. Just nice mum had to go to HQ early today. Den I spammed dad's hp and hse fone but no answer. I was like so down. Den, at 9.57am, dad called back using hse fone. WIN LOR. 3 mins before 10 cor back. 10am accessment lor. fly oso cannot reach in time la. TAMP to BUGIS sia. kns. hais. blame myself so forgetful. can't seem to remember things. problem with my memory.

我开始厌倦了，不过我不知道该如何开口。我该怎么办？他对我真的很好。我很内疚。不过，我似乎已经对他没有感觉。也许伤的太深，想补救也已经太晚了。他告诉我我睡觉时，又挣扎等等。我知道为什么。不过，不能说。我只能说，太笨，太天真了。我也发现，最近，嗨，算了。别说好了。

I can only keep the pain to myself. Many things have been bugging me. I'm still worried about my sis. The police still have no further info about her. weird. I thought they would find her fast. While I was sleeping, the police called. This time from Changi Airport. -.-. He asked me for details about sis. His tone at the end was somehow suspicious, like he thinks some thing is wrong with sis. Hais. 姐姐不见了。我很担心。真的。无时无刻都在想着他会在那里。我累了，我还能撑多久？我已经开始一直感到不适。Recently I was even diagnosed HeartBurn. It's a torture. I was restricted in many areas, like food and supper. Hais. 没心情。

不说了，Today is the last day with my classmates. 有点不舍得。Everyone was busy taking photos but seriously, I dont have the mood to do so. So I only took 3 group pics bahs, whole class de. End here le.

060509 ` Down on luck again !

2009-05-06T23:47:00.007+08:00

o6o5o9 :

I didn't sleep yesterday night. I was busy rushing my ISP. I only got to sleep in the noon for 1 hour plus. Rushed to school via Cab. Due to swine flu, we had to take temperature at the lobby. I understand its for safety precautions but I kinda hate it. We can only use Wing A's lifts so it's kinda packed as everyone is going to their respective classroom to submit their ISP stuff. When I got to the classroom, we had to fill up a form before we could place our things in the classroom. I didn't bring my stationaries so I had to borrrow from Serena. Hehe. She's kind. =p

After I submit my ISP stuff, I rushed off to meet Mel. We ate Curry Chicken Rice again. My fav ! YAY ! Then we walked to Cityhall. I was having headache. Sharp pain from both sides. It made me nausea too. We went to Marina Square and shopped around. Hees! As usual, I would go to the arcade too. I saw this Stitch plush ! I really wanted it very much. Theres another red one too. I dont know the name of it though. Hais. Couldn't get it. There's the Cinamoroll plush beside and I decided to try my luck but, can't get it too. I was aiming for the one holding a clover with a ladybug. Super cute nor! 我要我要我要！

We walked to Suntec City too. We went to the Pets Village at the Basement. I would always go there whenever I go Suntec. Usually. I want to get a Robovski ! It's $25 there, $2 more compared to Pet Lovers Centre but I noticed that the hamsters there seems healthier. I used to get my hamsters from Pet Lovers Centre but they don't seem to last. Sighs..

We went to feed the Kois, something I like to do. Hees. After that, we went to the Arcade. YAY! I saw the same Stitch plush and tried my luck. Almost got it few times. Bleah ! I really want it. I still have no news of Sis yet from the police. I was really down, emo because I couldn't get the Stitch plush couple. Mel asked why I was emo but I didn't tell him. I took cab home as I didn't have the strength to stand throughout from Cityhall to Tampines in the MRT.

My HP was flat in the evening so as soon as I reach home i charged my HP. I received an sms from Sheyla conveying a message from Mr Cheong Wee Kiat that I am supposed to meet him tml morning at B3-01 to show him my research and workbook. I was puzzled and worried. I had already submitted my ISP stuff. How am I supposed to show him? I added Sheyla on msn and asked her for more details. Through GuoFeng, who was also in the same situation as me I got to know that we are supposed to be there at 8.30am. Sheyla told him that maybe the he would let us in and get us to show him the stuff.

No choice. If don't show him tml, we'll not get our 30%. He'll give us a 0. Oh well, got to wake up early tommorrow. Nights. =) !

030509(2) ` A Drastic Change ..

2009-05-03T20:00:00.010+08:00

o3o5o9:

I was still sleeping soundly on the bed when its already in the noon. I slept only at 7plus to 8am in the morning. Aaron woke me up, saying we were to go to the police station. I was still in 'sleep mode'. In fact, I was worn out. I still have quite a lot of things left undone for my ISP. Gotta rush them.

But anyway, back to what I was saying.. We were supposed to go to the station to lodge a report as my we had no news of my sister since 19 March 2009 12midnight. Ever since she knew the guy, she changed. She was never like this. Initially, we thought she was furious at my mum for not sending her the large sum of money to settle all stuff at Aust so she could come over to Singapore. But as days passed, we got worried. We ( Mel, Aaron & Me ) suggested my mum to contact Jonan ( my sis's ex ), to see if we could get hold of any news of my sister. But his mum refused to give us his contact. She even said bad things about my sis that shocked us. We weren't sure if it is true. But it shocked me. Part of what she said was true, I knew it. I noticed her change after she came back to Singapore. She became materialistic. She was never into branded goods. But i noticed, during her stay in Singapore, that she was pretty much obsessed with branded stuff and even places that were of more "class". Places with aircon etc. I was shocked that she even have a large pouch for bath. In it, there were branded products for bath. For example, Hugo Boss etc. She even spent money like water.

As compared to the past, she was definitely a changed person. She used to be fillial. She would report to my mum her safety often. But, it's been months. She hasn't even contacted us. We are worried. Would some mishap have happened to her? If it is on purpose, there's nothing I can say. I would be totally disappointed. Aaron wanted to go Storm so we accompanied him to Century Square. Mum wanted to come along too. While mum was banking money, I received a call from the Police. He talked to my mum. When he hanged, I asked mum for details. They checked that Sis is in Singapore and hasn't gone out of Singapore yet. They would notify us when they have more details. They would be tracking her source of income too. Hah .. She's back in Singapore. Why the hell is she doing this ? I suppose I don't even need to say much. She doesn't even treat us as her family. Has she reflected on her own doings? She has no right, to blame mum. And I said, NO RIGHT! She has been asking mum for money, ever since she flew to Aust to study 5-6 years ago. It ain't some small sum. It totals up to at least 2OOk.

I know she's angry at mum for not agreeing to give her the money to settle her stuff in Aust. But did she put herself in mum's shoes? It's not a small sum of money. Asking for 8K Aust money. Think for yourself how much it would be in SGD. She has drained my mum's money and now what ? Kick her aside? Don't give me some fucking excuses.

There is no reason she should treat mum like this. From the start, she is at fault. She's coming back because she wants to be with the guy. How many times has mum asked her to come back to Singapore and get a job here. It aches me to think how mum asked her. I could feel how sad mum was. Everytime she flies back to Aust, Mum would cry till her eyes were red and swollen. I kept quiet, I pretended it wasn't some big deal, but its aching me.

Even if she needed the money, she should give mum some time to get her the money. She should ask mum politely. Not fucking hang up the damn phone on her claiming we dont give a damn about her. WTF kind of attitude is that?

I might not be fillial I would admit, but I would never treat mum like she did. I would never MIA on mum. We were told she borrowed money from others by telling others my dad's retrenched. WTF? I don't know if its true, but if it is. Screw her. She isn't the sis i know anymore. She hurt my parents more than she could ever ever repay. All these years of her fillial piety has gone down the hell. Why? Why did she come back and not let us know. We are afraid something might happen to her.

Thats Her.

Wayne Lim ( My Sis's current bf ), My Sis - from left to right

To anyone who reads this, I'm pleading you, if you ever see her in the streets.. inform me. She is estimated to be about 5x kg & 16+ in height.Thank You.

030509 ` The Happiest Moment Of My Life.

2009-05-03T04:06:00.013+08:00

o3o5o9:

Aaron and Melvin stayed over at my place. It was a rare occasion as my family never liked visitors. Initially, they helped me with school stuff, but later, as we got wear out, we decided to go out and go somewhere nearby to get some snacks.

Downstairs my block, as we walked, we discovered that the sky was dark, it was going to rain soon. We prayed again and again for the rain to hold on till we get back home. We ran. I couldn't remember when was the last time I ran. But I had no choice. I was afraid I would get drenched. I didn't care that much. When we reached Starbucks at Tampines Mall, we thought it was open. But nope, it wasn't 24 hours. There were staff inside, preparing to close for the day. Disappointed, we decided to try Macdonalds nearby. It was close too. Another disappointment. Wasn't Mac supposed to be 24 hours ?

We had no choice then. The nearest 24 hour store we could find was Cheers which was right opposite Macdonalds. We had no idea what we should get, especially me. We walked around the store for quite some time not knowing what to get. I notice that the shop tenders were worried we would rob their cashiers or were up to no good. I notice him being wary. We then decided to see if there were any other 24 hours shop around, perhaps Tampines 1. But to our disappointment, no there wasn't any. Pathetic. Sighs ! We had no choice but to go back to Cheers and buy stuff. We could have dialed for Mac but we would have to wait. Aaron said at night we would have to wait longer for delivery.

In the end, we bought snacks and some drinks. We then discovered that there was a Mac near the interchange that is open 24 hours. It just happened to slip off my mind. Damn ! As we walked back home, after getting my ice latte, Aaron was kidding that wind would blow soon followed by heavy shower. Ouch ! Guess what ? The moment he said rain, right just at the moment, it rained, heavier as time ticked away. We laughed aloud at what happened and ran for shelter.

As it was a bit of a distance from Tampines Mall to my block, we travelled block to block, looking for cardboard boxes to use as temp shelter. It was my first time. We laughed all the way back home. One of the boxes we picked was huge and rectangular in shape, enough to shelter the 3 of us. We tried to walk in pace together, but it was a little tough. We laughed to our hearts content about what had happened.

I was never so happy before. I have never laughed so hard and much before. This is a memorable part of my life I would never forget. I never regret going out to buy snacks with them today even though it rained heavily.

Though with cardboard boxes, I still got drenched. They were afraid I would get ill and got me to bath as soon as I got home. Though I kept silent, deep in my heart, I wanted to express my appreciation to them. Because I knew how much they care. They are not just some passer-bys in my life.

With Love,
Ileana

080409 ` when life goes haywire !

2009-04-08T12:49:00.008+08:00

o8o4o9 :

First, im going to apologise that this is a freaking long entry. You can just close this web browser if you do not want to continue reading.

Somehow, things are like going haywire for me. Always going in the wrong direction, or was it just my luck. :l Sighs ! There are things troubling me, which explains why i am like lifeless recently. And yes, it is family problem. I've decided to blog it out, because it's like taking my breath away from me. It has been for quite some time actually, but I didn't confide in others, i kept it to myself. But some around me knows about it. Sighs..

I couldn't accept my sis being with this guy out of a sudden when I know it deep down, she hasn't forgotten about her ex. She did this just to show others, she can live without him, she's gotten over him. It's obvious. I've noticed that she got very excited, somewhat like proud, that guys are interested in her. Whats the big deal when she's attractive. Yes, to me she's pretty. =). I could see it, that she hasn't gotten over her ex. All she talks about is him. She could not get over the fact she loved him so deeply, treating him so good, like an emperor, and yet he's such a bastard.

At one point, she even talked to me. Wanting me to break up with melvin. Claiming she has the right to interefere, for my own good. I have my own reasons for not being able to accept that guy. But that does not mean that i object them being together. I'm okay with it as long as that guy treats her well. Me not being able to accept that guy is my personal problem, that does not mean she cannot be with that guy. I repeat again that i did not ask them to break up. Unlike what she did to me in the past.

She might claim that he treats her well, just like what Aaron (our gan di) told us. But thats just the beginning isn't it? She knows the guy barely for few days, shorter than a week definitely and that guy is already interested in her? If not for her looks, what else would it be? Don't give me crap like love at first sight, yes it might happen but it's still first impression, appearance and stuff. What I can't stand is that, that guy went through our friend, Vici, to woo her, trying to matchmake them.

At the airport, the day she's flying back after her 1 week in Singapore for job interviews, it was obvious she was reluctant in taking pictures with him. Everyone there knew that. She refused, but still accepted because she had to. It was impolite to refuse a picture with others when you are leaving. When she told Aaron that, that guy is interested in her and wants to woo her, we had the same reaction. We were not for it. I can remember clearly too that she had no interest or liking in the guy either.

Now, she's pushing everything to me and my family. Like she's not at fault. She was the one who kept asking my mum for money. It's not $1 or $100. Not a small amount, everytime she asks for money, its in thousands. Not SGD but Australian Dollars. And everytime she comes back, she spend my mum $10-20k easily. Buying computer, handphone etc. My mum also gives her money before she leave, like around $6-8K Australian dollars everytime. Around there.

When my parents wanted her to come back to Singapore and get a job, staying here, she refused. No matter how my mum asked her. I could feel how much my mum wants her to come back. But she refused, insisting she wants to stay in Australia. But after she knew that guy, she changed. She said she would come back to work for like 2 years, and then go back. She also told my mum that the guy would go there 2 years later after his contract end. The one week when she came back, she was different. She looked for my mum just because she needs money. She did not stay with us, giving only excuses. She was like stucked to her bf, well i do admit that whenever one is in a relationship, most of the time you're only with your other half.

I knew nothing at all. I've got to know things through Aaron. That's what that is hurting me. I'm her biological sister, but it feels like i'm ust another stranger to her. Instead, Aaron seems like her biological brother. Well, i do care for her. It is just that i don't show it out. On appearance some might think or feel that im cold towards her, but deep down its not like that. Actually, i did get a singtel prepaid card, which includes international calls and sms.. because i thought i could contact her. I was dumb enough to realise i dont have her current number. The number i had was way outdated. I tried smsing but no reply. I was upset. Am i really her sister? I don't feel that way.

I can see Aaron siding her. She told him that we didn't help her when she needed help. Well, i expected her to do so anyway. She borrowed money from friends to tide over the crisis. 8k australian dollars. She needed it to settle the cancellation of bills and stuff. But one thing she didn't tell them i suppose is that, when she called and asked my mum for money, she was in the wrong.

She called after like god knows how long, 1 week probably after she arrived in Adelaide ( her bf went there too. she claimed that her friends wanted to see him. ) and asked mum for money .. the 8k.. and she actually hanged up the phone on mum. She actually DID ! She was NEVER, NEVER like that. She used to call mum once she touched down. She's in the wrong and she was so rude to mum ? And shes putting the blame on us ? Claiming i caused my mum to dislike her bf and blaming my mum for not giving her the money to pay ?

Well, if you are saying we should not be angry or whatever to side her. Let me just say this. My mum did ask her not to buy so many stuff etc as she is not staying there permanently yet. She do not have a stable job and stuff. She signed a 3 year internet plan over there and wants to cancel it. My mum had advised her again and again in the past but she insist on doing it her own way. Now she wants mum to pay for her to cancel it just so she can come back not for us but for the guy? Let's just say its okay, but why the fuck did she hang the phone on mum ? Yes, i used the word fuck . Cause i damn pissed at her. She's claming she's right, she's the victim and stuff .. go on then .

What the hell has me being unable to accept that guy got to do with me influencing mum? Use your dumb brain. Mum's not a child anymore, she's a grown adult that has far much more experience than me and you. I'm not that good to the extent that i can sweet talk her or influence her decisions or her thinking. Unlike someone, who can sweet talk her to buy her things. Mum has also said to me clearly before that, she has not judged the guy yet. Whether he is good or bad. They are just at the start or of a relationship and its for us to say he is good or bad yet. I agree, its for time to tell. Thats exactly why i said i might be unable to accept him now but as long as he treats sis well, im fking fine with it. GET IT, DAMMIT?

Perhaps to her im nothing but just some garbage that better not exist. Aaron's far more better than me. He's absolutely perfect. Why not disown me? I know it deep in her heart she yearns to do that. I will never forget what she said to me that night.

' If i can chooose, I wouldn't want you as my sister. '

Like a knife stabbing me thousand times.

Neither can i forget the scene when i was quarrelling with sis at Century Square, and that guy was like smiling ! No one at that scene was like smiling, apart from him. They had solem faces. Why the fk is he even smiling? In a situation like that, when u noticed that your gf's sister cannot accept you, you would be worrying like hell instead of smiling, unless you're not serious about her. There is nothing funny about it lor. If you are disagreeing with me, go to hell kays. I will forgive you if you are out of your mind though. =).

She was rude to me. Aaron told me to call her that day, as they were late. Upon answering the call, she was like so damn rude.. like i owe her money or something? I told her that we couldn't wait anymore. It was pretty late already. We were supposed to meet at like 6.30pm but till 8.30pm they still had not reach. They are late and is she is like so fking rude to me ? WTH ? She said he got delayed by his work. Even so, why did she have to be so fking rude to me on the fone? I dare to say that she would not do that if it was Aaron who is talking to her. She was also talking to me in a rude attitude saying, ' we're reaching already la...' I could only remember this, can't remember the others. But one thing for sure, she was rude.

I didn't even know she was meeting aaron and the rest. I DON'T KNOW A THING UNTIL AARON TOLD ME MY SIS IS MEETING HIM. And my mum was there. She did not even tell me yet she told mum she told me. WTH? I have witness that it was aaron who told us, it was aaron who we got to know that they were meeting.

There is nothing more i can say, i'm just fking disappointed. Oh yeah, go on and put the blame on me. What else can I say? She always right. We're in the wrong okay? Is that what she wants?

I'm gonna say sorry because i was rude that day by leaving like that without even saying hi to him. But, i do not agree that i'm fully in the wrong. You did not even ask me out. Aaron was everything in your mind. You don't need a sis like me. I never seem to know anything. You asked everyone but me out that day. Have you ever spared a thought for me? On how I would have felt? When im your biological sister but i know nothing about you and have to go through Aaron to know?

020409 - i kept it in me .

2009-04-02T21:32:00.006+08:00

020409:

I overslept .. woke up afternoon le. :x So, i missed class. Sighs.. I've been dreading the day tml come. Gonna act as ' ghost ' for Video Production tml .. ... well, no one would be happy about that right ? Well, but nvm la.. though im unhappy about it , but it'll be over de.. I just hope it'll end soon..

I dont know why but it seems like i'm on bad luck recently.. nothing seems to be going on right . Sighs.. So much homework to rush .. yet, I don't feel like doing it at all. Sighs. I'm relieved to know Wardah's gonna bring the things needed for tml though. =). I guess i gonna change in school to the ghost costume and.. change back immediately after im done . WAHAHAHA. YES, im so gonna do it. :x

With Love,
Ileana x3 !

270209 - terribly sick .

2009-02-27T22:55:00.002+08:00

27o2o9 :

Bleahs .. Perhaps it was because I got wet yesterday due to the rain .. thats why i got sick today .. I could call myself tissue queen le . haha ... I used like .. more than 5 packets of tissue today ! Bleah ! T-T terrible ~ My head's giving me trouble too .. headache and pain . sobs ..

As usual .. schwork is killing me .. I don't think I can cope .. hais .. =( ! I've got nothing much to blog cos my head really hurts so ima stop here .. sorry eh .. :x

will try to meet up with those who asked me out .. haha .. sorry .. busy .. :x

150209 - emolicious

2009-02-15T20:05:00.002+08:00

15o2o9 :

I cried, terribly. Many emotions flooding in me. I acted brave, I thought it was okay, I tried to bluff myself that I would survive through it.. But I failed. I'm feeling empty. I'm missing her. Why can't I communicate with others the way she could.

It hurts terribly. When I feel all alone again. I broke up with him, making everything worse. I'm all alone.

I wonder.. how many countless days, are my tears going to accompany me. WR told me, I need someone to love me. Thats my antidote. Deep inside me, I know she's right.. but, there's just no right one.

I know I need to stand strong, but i'm falling. Like, everything's crushing on me. All I need, is to cut off my feelings..

130209 - paranoid ..

2009-02-13T20:38:00.013+08:00

13o2o9 :

Today, indeed is Friday the 13th. I broke with dar le .. =l .. today .. He refused.. but well.. No point being tgt when either party wants to break rights. After lesson, I was already on the way to Bugis MRT when Serena called and told me to go back school. She had something for me, A stalk of rose. Haha. It's in pink . =P ! She said it was a thank you gift for the valentines present i gave them. No mood. Sighs..

Went to meet Aaron, Melvin and Elvin to have steamboat for dinner. It totally sucks lor.. the one in chinatown opp CK. The hygiene is like.. lets grade it F. There was a spider in the soup base. OMG. Can you imagine it ? ZZZ. The food all not fresh de.. bleahs.. the food variety damn little. Then, Aaron told me something shocking. My sister claimed that she was adopted when she's young. But, we discussed.. I don't know .. I am not certain if its true. There are many possibilities.. that I may be the one too .. bcos I have no baby pictures. Hais .. I just can't stop thinking about it. I'm that kind that must get to the btm of things. Bleahs. Then we went to Lan shop, nothing to play there lor ! SAD! x.x L4D so gross.. feel like puking. =l I gave up my com to dickson.. haha.. since he want to play den i nothing to play. =)

I asked Mum when I reached home. There is nothing of that sort. So I think its just my Sis getting drunk, anyhow say things. Haha. 我想太多了。Hehes.. Feel much better le. 把我吓死了！

300109 - Another Unhappy Day

2009-01-30T17:25:00.008+08:00

3oo1o9 :

Almost late for skool today. bleahs. I set my alarm clock to wake me at 9am but I manage to wake only at 10am . haha . I took my own sweet time .. as usual , as if I'm still aslp .. Mum was cross with me for dolling up .. wasting my time . She dont see the need of me dolling up. Sighs. Perhaps she don't understand at all. She never did. Or should I say, no one ever does ? You can say I'm vain, if you wish .. but thats not really the point . =) . I doll up only to have some self esteem in me .. or confidence .. which, I never had. No nid to start all over again abt my old grandmother story abt my past .. but yes , that the reason .

Blur, I realised I'm late for skool only when I look at my watch when I was waiting for the train. It was already 11.23am . My class starts at 12noon and I was still at Tamp .. DUHS ! I panicked. My mind was in a whirl, trying to reach for a "rescue plan". I decided to alight at Paya Lebar, killing 2 birds with 1 stone as I could buy cheese pancake at mr bean. Didn't ate anything for breakfast. No need to say, mum was angry at me for not eating before I leave house as she rushed to cook lunch before I go school. Sighs.

Intro to Animation was boring. I tried to keep myself awake by doodling and drawing on my notebook. haha. It was HORRIBLE. Distorted. =.= I noticed wanru borrowed a book from library on animation or manga. Lent from her. Started drawing with reference from the book and it looked much better. =) Hees.

Intro to Video Production was boring as usual. At least, that was what I thought. But lecturer showed us a flim. I had to watch, so as to jot down notes to do a write up on one of the characters. I got engross watching the movie. But I did copy down notes on one of the characters. I chose Clara Lim Shu Fen ( kym ng ) . Haha . I cried lor ! So pai seh ! =( .. I doubt the others cried cause i heard laughters . Hais . And I noticed Im the only one holding tissue. meh ! hmm .. gonna mit dar after skool . heh . =p

Went Lanshop with dar and Aaron. SIAN LOR. Nothing to play. End up playing OZworld ( global ). zzz. An old game I used to play. My first online game. Hehes. I would call it a slacking game. Fishing. haha. There used to be a SG version de, but .. close down le.. cos perhaps not enuff capital or what .. =( ! saddd ...

Dar and aaron played dota . zzz . Sian . Dar bought a fish .. dunno what kind of fish .. he never stops . Always buy fish ._. But, oh well .. that fish cute =X .. when its time for feeding . Haha . Sian . Had to go home myself . Cos dar scared that fishie mati . =X . HAHA ! But on the way to Bugis MRT station, gt a guy looked at me .. den went we wanted to tap our ezlink cards, I noticed he was at the first one lor . Dunno why suddenly he was behind me . I was at the third one . Then when we were at the escalator, when I turned left, I saw him behind me. =.= Dar boarded his train . Just nice in time for him . So I sat down . That guy followed ! He stood near me. Would look at me on and off . I was afraid so I smsed dar. But luckily he went off le . Hehe.

Tired. Tml morning still gtg temple to bai TaiSui. ZZZ. Bad mood nor. I always do when I go home or is at home. I felt sis was rude to me. She wanted to tell me I have to go temple to pray tml (sat), which I already knew. I kept quiet. Then she shouted at me. Calling my FULL NAME. I'm like, black face lor. KNS. I dont understand why she can attitude me.. can be rude to me etc .. but I cant. WTH ? zzz . Bad mood. Kay la. End here le. =) Long winded post.

I cut down le hor ! :X

180109 - 想着他

2009-01-19T10:22:00.003+08:00

19o1o9 :

其实，
我还爱着他。
从我认识他的那一天起，
我从没放弃.. 290784

只能怪自己太傻，
陪不上他。
因为我们是来自两个世界的人，
我只能默默的爱着他。

I still love him . I still can't forget him . He's the only one that would make me smile .. happy for the whole day just by receiving an sms from him alone . I know I love him , I know I do .

050109 - I just dont get it

2009-01-08T09:15:00.004+08:00

o5o1o9 :

Sometimes I just dont get it . I really dont . Why does she change, at the rate of a chameleon . She used to say noting when i reach home late . Like 11 plus pm .. but today .. Sis told me mum was unhappy I went out .. and reach home at 10.30pm . Thats considered early le lor . zzz . Why .. Everything seems to change after they knew about my current bf . Very different . Mum doesn't seem to like him at all . I know it . I can feel it .

I hid my tears, those screams I shout, voiceless .. Nothing would work. She never listens. Not to me. All I could, is to hide my tears. Those unhappiness, the suicidal thoughts. I can feel and see it clearly, I dont mean a thing .. not to them . Everytime I yearn to end my life, I failed to do so . I didn't have the courage to do so , for i fear .. not death .. but not dying.

Sighs .. 我真的很烦。不了解为什么妈妈会有这么大的反差。 I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not . 但是，她永远也不会把我当成大人一般看待。

有没有人能理解我心里的那一份挣扎。Life seems meaningless to me now. The pain .. those tears ..

如果，你妈妈在你面前，说你只是她的负但。如果，你的姐姐说如果能选，她宁愿不要你这个妹妹... 如果对你的家人来说，你活着一点价值也没有，你笑得起来吗？你还会对生命充满热忱吗？

No one seems to understand whats behind my sad face.. why I was always quiet, why I always emo-ed.. Now, perhaps you have an idea.

我累了。如果，我的离去能救另外一个人，如果我的离去，能带来一个新生命的诞生，我愿意。

221208 - unfair .

2008-12-22T22:58:00.002+08:00

2212o8 :

Emo. I just find it unfair. I hate my mum. She judges by look. I hate the way life is.

171208 - just my day ..

2008-12-13T00:20:00.005+08:00

1712o8 :

Well, went out with Sis today . She lent me a Pair of Gucci Sunglasses to wear today . (= It's beautiful . =D ! Well, definitely, I took pics of it . I was feeling very happy .. in a very good mood .. I thought everything would be fine.. or beautiful at least ..

I went with Sis to 10 Kallang Sector, to repair her toshiba laptop. =l Sighs .. we had a little bit of hard time finding the location since its kind of .. remote ? While on the way to the building .. Sis and I were walking along the road .. then this man in this passing lorry whistled at us . -.- They were not the only ones . On the way back, while waiting for a bus .. I've noticed that drivers andpasser bys gave those pervert look . yucks . Sis was getting impatient as the bus did not arrive for like .. 20-30 mins . So we decided to flag a cab to Aljunied mrt .. which was the neartest mrt station .

And it was that moment, I lost my School Student Pass and my tertiary EZ link card.. I'm certain its in the cab . Because I was holding it in the bus stop . I boarded the cab and left it at the side of the seat when Sis asked me to fasten my seatbelt. ! So .. yeah.. there goes my impt card.. zzz . Had to replace both . inconvenient lor . I've got like $10 worth of value topped inside and Hybrid concession .. woohoo .. grats to myself ? I was like so down lor .

Throughout the day, there was only one thing in my mind . My precious ezlink and student pass . Hais .. Sis said she would pay for the fees etc .. since she is partly responsible.. but actually im the one who is careless .. its the first time i lose my pass .. hais .. ! The moment I got home, I checked the net on the fees and instructions for replacing my cards . It's $18 for the tertiary EZlink within 3 working days.. ( super fast to me, i thought it gonna take like 2 wks or so ).. and $20 for my NAFA student pass. ! But it was stated I've to go STA to do it .. where is STA? ZZZ! I emailed the sch.. Now, I'm just waiting for their reply. Got to inform them .

Hmm, watch Twilight with Sis . OH GAWD! IT'S LIKE A SUPER MUST NOT MISS MOVIE ! ITS LIKE.. SO NICE LOR ! I can just keep watching it . =X Something like titanic.. you know .. just that its far better than titanic . =\ Edward Collins is like super suave. HANDSOME. Can I say ' yummy' ? :X ! Hahas . Aww .. if only I've also got a bf or husband as good as him .. arghs .. I can just keep dreaming (= .. This century .. you wan a guy as good as him .. 等久就有。 He's so good to Bella .. =(~ * envy * .. so romantic .. It's like he's always there protecting her .. ready to sacrifice just for her. Ready to do anything just for her . AWWWW.. TWILIGHT! I feel like watching it over and over again .. - dreams -

Well , SiS asked me to go Kbox with her.. and she booked a manicure for me tml . =) . Actually, sis has been super duper good to me.. always did .. but I don't know why it has always been hard for me to express my love and gratitute . Sis asked me if i wanted a 2 days break so I can go out with dar .. but .. I lost my ezlink . hais .. what a 'right' time .. zzz . Hais .. emo .. =( !

121208 - 我因该怎么办？

2008-12-12T14:21:00.008+08:00

121208 :

Hmm .. 姐姐 is coming back on the 15th .. midnight plane .. Mum said 3 plus .. so .. Sunday gotta go airport wait for her. 不过，没关系。她是我唯一的姐姐，为了她，什么都可以。但是，姐姐回来了，我就不能和别人出门了。因为，我答应她，December reserved for her.

怎么办？姐姐要回来了。我还没买她的礼物。 I wanted to get for her a Swarovski Necklace .. But, I'm afraid she already has the same one since she loved Swarovski a lot . Hais .. Dar's bdae coming le .. Oso haf to buy present for him . I'm on a tight budget . If I buy that necklace for Sis, I cant buy something over $50 for him . But .. he bought a Swarovski red apple necklace for me .. 我真的不知道该怎么办。很烦！

Ytd, went to visit grandma .. since 大姑姑 and Aunt Doreen went to HK .. No one visit grandma .. 又怕 maid 没有好好的照顾 Ah Ma .. 妈妈又忙.. Oh ! 对了，Ah Ma 家煮了 Nasi Lemak . Very Nice wor ! Brought Dar there :x .. He also said nice. =P ! hehe .

Hais .. 我很烦。还不知道该买什么礼物给 Dar .

281108 - tiring day

2008-11-29T00:23:00.008+08:00

281108 :

Today, I woke early .. didnt have much sleep cause I couldn't find my PSP. Not sure where mum kept it . So yeaps, I went to bed like at 2am .. =l But talked to mum .. den toss and turn on bed, couldn't get to sleep .. wanted to play a bit of psp suddenly but realise I'm not sure where it is le.. so tried finding it but just couldnt find wor .. end up got to bed at around 5.40am .. when mum realise I'm awake.. But I didn't get to sleep long .. woke at around 11am .. cause I wanted to visit grandma early ..

Hmms.. upon reaching Grandma's ward, she was sleeping so I left the bouquet of flowers there from Nel and went to eat (: .

打包 Indonesian rice for the maid taking care of Granny since no one is there yet . She has been there taking care of granny ever since granny has been hospitalized. No harm treating her better rights . We went back afterwards but no one was there yet . So i sat .. didn't talk much . Cos I dont know what to say .

Not long later, I decided to go to Taka to buy some food . Not because I'm hungry but rather, mouth itchy. So I bought Edamame and a Caramel Almond Pretzel. But what makes me puzzled is that, when I was buying the pretzel and pointing at it .. saying I wanted a Caramel Almond pretzel .. the guy kind of like smiled or something .. I don't know why though ..

On the way back, we decided to cut through Paragon .. But, guess what ? We got lost in there. It's like so complicated nor . Got 2 sides de .. We toured around level 2-4 .. for quite some time lor .. He was abt to give up when I said perhaps its there .. and yes, finally found ! They should have made it easier to find lor .. no signs nothing . zzz . At least put a ' This way to Mount Elizabeth Hospital ' LA ! Waste my time, make me find so long . Tiring nors .

This time, when I went back, Aunt Doreen and 大姑姑 was there . OH wait, not to miss out James and his gf . Upon knowing my friend was here, they mistook him as my BF . I had to tell them he is just my friend for quite some time. duhs . Chou James .. tease me nor ! But its okay narhs, cause he made us laughed a lot. hahaha. All the while James was there, they were saying me lor .. but he stayed for very short while only . hehs . He was like saying ' 你真的很瘦。' Then my aunts were like telling him, you don't see she so thin kays, she eat a lot de. hahaa ! Cause I ate 6 pcs of Sushi the day before ytd .. Den not long after that , When I left , together with my 3rd aunt and uncle in the lift, She asked me if I was going out or home, I replied ' going to eat '. Haha . Then she told them she was shocked upon hearing my reply because I just ate. Then today, I kept eating again . hehs . oinky oinky !

Hmms, left at about 5plus. Went to meet Dar. Elvin and Aaron dua us nor . Say what need to go Raffles Place, end up we reach le they say no need to go le. =.= Then while we was watching performance, we stoof beside this girl ma . If Im not wrong shes a secondary sch student . But, she kinda look lian :x . Not to the extreme but thats what I observed. She kept looking at dar nor ! Even after we walked away a distance le, I was like telling him that ger is interested in him then when I turn back to look, She was looking at us nor ! Then I was like teasing him, then he shy lor ! So cute ! HAHAHAH ! :x So fun !

Nothing much after that . Just walking and meeting up with Aaron and Elvin to eat . [= When I got home, I was told mum bought Roast duck from the famous stall ! YUMMY ~

271108 - Parts of my life ..

2008-11-28T00:40:00.010+08:00

271108 :

bleahs.. finally transferred the pics on my phone to the com . hurs . so I can post it on blog .

Hmms .. I tried fish therapy . It was fun ! I was like .. giggling .. squirming .. laughing .. when the fish ' bites ' its like ticklish nor .. hehes .. but I wan to do it again ! Here are some pics I took .

Thats me doing fish spa.

Thats Him doing fish spa . Got ' forced ' by me .

Thats my hand =O !

Thats our legs !

Okays .. I took some pics when I was at Singapore River .. hahas .. Same old face . bleahs .

Thats me and him

Thats Me Giving That 'puppy face' .

Well, thats all for photos. Sorry for not blogging much recently . The main reason is because im lazy and also because my grandma's in hosp . Have to visit her ..

I end here kays .. wanna wake 'early' to cook some simple porridge and also visit grandma.

231108 - A day like ' standing on burning charcoal '

2008-11-24T00:04:00.005+08:00

231108 :

Hmms .. went out with Aaron, Elvin & Dar today.. sians .. its like.. raining so heavily .. not even using an umbrella would make a difference . I got my bag WET cause my umbrella was like .. too small .. for 2 person .. even though we are both small in size. HAHA ! .. I was so annoyed it rain, but I just kept it to myself. Hmms , Aaron wanted to eat steamboat in Novena .. one of the famous shop .. I suppose .. but there was a long queue and they didn't want to wait . Hahas .

I'm puzzled cos I realised people keep looking at me .. in a way I didn't understand .. the way the look at me . It wasn't the ' eeee..shes so thin ' look I normally get . I don't understand that look at all . I seriously don't get it . hmms ... its not the mocking or teasing kind of look leis .. okays .. nvm.. don't talk abt it .. We agreed on taking a cab to Bugis area to have steamboat .. but there wasn't any in sight .. Aaron was suggesting he cross the road to get a cab and then come back and fetch us .. but just at that moment , this cab came and there were passengers alighting . It's like wow .. hahas .. super duper lucky .. =P !

psst, I wore my lucky red apple Swarovski necklace today. Hees. I realise I wear this necklace everytime very lucky de nor. HURHURS !

Hmms .. feels very uneasy with my shoes wet wet de .. ><" Today didn't eat much wor .. bleahs .. 我也不知道为什么。而且，我发现今天我有点反常。一直在笑。如果每天都和今天一样就好了！我想开开心心的过着每一天。但，值得鼓励的是.. 我没有像以前那样 emo 了。Heehees !

AH ! Here's a picture of a clam I took . Still alive de wor .. Hees .. so fun nor :x .. I just like observing the clam move. . Can see the white flesh ! woots ! hurhur !

Today, on the way home.. I started to feel unwell . While I was waiting for the train . I wasn't confident I could board the MRT and travel all the way back home, so I went to dar .. who was waiting for his train at the other side and told him about it . He accompanied me till I was better before I board an emptier train . Got to seat some where at Eunos . Hurs .. so .. yeaps .. not that bad . (:

Well, I 'm seriously not feeling okay .. its like .. I can't focus on my sight .. I feel giddy but my vision isn't blur . =\ weird huh .. I was feeling very jellyfish like . I tried to hang on till I reach home by telling myself I cannot black out .. My items might get stolen .. If I ended up in hosp, they would poke that needle thing into my wrist or whatever. EEW ! Hahas . The thought of it scares me . Woots .. but when I reached home .. I panicked .. the alarm rang loudly . I could hear it from the void deck . At a loss , I called my parents for help but I couldn't reach my dad . So I decided to try my luck and call my mum .. since she seldom switch on her HP.

My Mummy said I was dumb .. haha .. should have immediately switched off the alarm . Bleahs . I waited for mum to reach home so I could tell her abt the alarm .. yet , she ' bomb ' me with another news . She told me Granny wasn't feeling well . She's suffering from heart problem which the USELESS doctor ( i felt ) .. gave an " excuse " saying she's too old .. thats why she is like that . He said there is no medication for her and refuses to do any operation or whatsoever on her . Sighs .. Mum said she has been losing her sleep for 2 weeks already . I'm very worried . Mum told me too, that Granny is suffering in pain till she couldn't sit straight .

不知道为什么今晚感到很反感。Perhaps because I'm troubled.

好啦，晚了。我去睡了。晚安！

121008 - my thoughts

2008-10-12T11:13:00.003+08:00

Does he even care ..?

I hate myself so much I wished I never exist .

If only god could take me away, I don't mind giving my life to someone else who needs it much more than me.

I don't see the purpose of living, when it's just a torture to me.

I hate the way I am .

I was told .. you're so sweet the way the real you are, but why do you keep emoing ?

That triggered thoughts in me.. why can't I just be who I really am.. why do I have to care what others feel .. why do I mind them so much !

It's because, when I caught sight of the way they looked at me, it stabs. As simple as that.

There are things you couldn't forget, couldn't ignore .. when you notice.

No doubt I'm dumb and blur .. but not to the extend .. I don't even realise how people around me looked at me. I'm not blind.

I hate those looks they gave me. As though they were superior .. There was a moment of rash .. when I wanted to say it out straight .. But I held back .. I didn't know why.

When would I be able to let go .. To stop emoing .

When would I return to the real me ..

081008 - whats wrong with me today

2008-10-08T17:24:00.003+08:00

o81oo8 :

Well, as usual .. didn't sleep enough but still force myself to wake up for school. I wonder whats wrong with me today .. I didn't know why I felt like I was " isolating " myself today. sighs .. As in, I felt I'm kind of anti-social today. Perhaps I don't really feel like talking. Kind of tired. I wish I don't have to go school. Can sleep all day. hahs ! Fat hope. MEH !

For my Design Elements module today, I managed to finish the assignment. hees ! That means no need to rush another piece of homework. * jumps around* Stress.. sobs .. Got to finish assignments for all 5 modules by next week. Sighs.
Okays.. Here's the rank, from the one i hate most to the one i love most ..

Drawing & Compo - 3D design - Design Elements - Photography - Creative Process .

(: WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO ! Just received a call from sis ! WAHAHAHAHA ! Guess what ?! She got her PR in Aust ! ((((((: ! HEES ! Super Duper Happy for her ! But actually, there's a bad news for that too. That would mean I would have to go Aust sooner or later , but definately after my NAFA. ^^" Well, if she's not going to come back.. I would have to go there. She has already made plans long ago to migrate our family there slowly. =\ Sighs. Well.. but still, hees .. super happy ! I heard mum saying the fees cost about $6k .. not sure in aust or sg currency.

Hmms .. End class at 12noon .. Got a HUGE break till 3pm. Had ISP ( Integrated Studio Project ) briefing . duhs .. was like .. blur-ness the whole day. haha . Sabrina's very caring. She asked quite a few times if i'm alright, which is very thoughtful of her. hehes. Well, yeahs .. indeed im not feeling really well recently. Have no idea why but its seems im not in condition.. or should I say, I have always been weak. =="

Sighs.. ISP seems easy but is rather tough to me . Cause the topic's rather broad. Have no idea what i'm going to do yet . Mind's still blank.

Project title : The Mind is The Journey

Sighs .. But, Sabrina already had an idea what she wants to do . She's a quick thinker. =O ! Well, O still have my 3D to fret about ! sobs .. I have not shown my lecturer my mock up yet . what should I do .. dumb me .. serve me right for taking changi airport. =.=" Hais .. But I've decided to use acrylic and wood. Other materials I'm considering is clay/plasticine , cloth, metal. Seems hard to do up arhs.. cham.. =3 ! Alrighty.. Shall end here. (: I'm tired..

Bu-tong Bu-tong to my bed ! As if I could right now. =.= Guess gonna sleep late.

061008 - A Day I'll Never Want To Experience.

2008-10-06T22:39:00.003+08:00

061008 :

Today, I wasn't feeling well but I decided to go to school still . I was feeling nauseous and weak . My left eye hurts . Probably got hit by mum while sleeping . Anyways, I tried to tolerate the terrible feeling I was going through, but to no avail. I had no choice but to alight halfway through my journey to school, at the Eunos mrt. I squeezed through the crowds with might. Weak, i tried my best to focus, to get home asap. I didn't want to faint in the public. I board a cab home, it costs $8. =\ Kind of Expensive, but no choice.

Feeling terrible I knew I couldn't hold any longer. I knelt beside the drain just outside my unit. I had no strength to open the door. I felt like puking, but nothing came out. It was terrible. Awhile later when I felt I had enough strength to open the door, I forced myself to do so. I was all drained of energy when I got to the bed . Sweating .. Cold sweat . All the while, I couldn't breathe well, I was gasping for breath. sighs .. I puked a few times .. it was horrible. I hate it . There's this yucky bitter taste whenever I puke. Well, I can remember its yellow .. perhaps the gastric juice or something . not sure .. and some solid stuff .. =\ I rested on the bed, woke at 2+pm .

Mum went out to do some stuff for sis . But had ordered me to stay at home and wait for her home to bring me to a doc. By the time she did, it was already evening. But I went on my own, only to realise the 2 clinics nearby my house isn't open. I had to wait till 7pm .. Well, to cut everything short .. the doctor said it was due to fatigue. mehs..

Sighs, I didn't attend school last thursday cause I fell down the stairs on wednesday night. Hurt myself. And today I didn't go again because I wasn't feeling well. A little angry at myself. =( ! Well, watching anime now. :x [ Kamichama Karin ] hahas. kind of cute. =p ! well, I'll just end here. (: take cares.

180908 - disappointment

2008-09-18T23:06:00.003+08:00

180908 :

Sighs, 今天我领悟到一件事。一个人的背景，能主宰一个人的命运。在残酷的现实生活里，你想要得，不一定就能得到。我讨厌活在这个世界里，因为我讨厌那些让我不愉快的理由。

我想要得我却得不到，原来是一件那么痛苦的事。

但，命运弄人，倘若你有钱 ... 也不代表你拥有快乐，你子拥有物质上的享受。我讨厌我的存在。怎么死才是最好的呢？我一直在寻找这个答案。我没有勇气再继续活在这个世界上。我是说认真的。如果我能选择，我会选择死亡。

也许是因为有许多消极的事件在环绕着我，我找不到自己，我早不到快乐。I'm sick and tired of living. I hate the fact I'll always have to worry for minor little things ... the way life is, the way life teases me. 有些痛，是我再也无法承受的。我想放弃... though I know many might persuade me otherwise, but I would still choose death if possible. If only he takes me away...

There is some thing I really want to have , for months, but ... I'll never get to own it .. perhaps. I hate this kind of feeling ... 好想伤害自己，但我知道我得控制自己。我讨厌活在这个世界里！

I still have lesson tml, so I gonna end here.. Nights and sweet dreams.

✖ Ileana ✖

170908 - Tiring Day

2008-09-17T21:38:00.003+08:00

170908 :

我最近想了很多，每次都会问自己... “ 我是不是很傻？” 如果知道不会有结果，为什么我还是那么傻，选择留在他身边... Hais ... 每次和他出去，都会留意到他某些举动，像是还没长大的孩子一样。但我却选择莫不吭声，没让他知道我的不满... 只说 “不要玩了” 。其实，我心中已有了答案。我们不会是个完美结局，因为... 我感觉得到，我在他心中，不是很重要，没了我也行。

我是不是做人做到很悲哀？我还是没勇气离去，因为我爱他，我喜欢和他在一起的每分每秒，就算没做什么，我也会很满足。只要能和他在一起就好了。每次不知道为什么只要他带我去走走，去我没去过的地方，我就会很开心... 我越来越觉得，自己很傻。

I'm having a term break this week, but I still have lesson on Friday. T___T" But I still need to go back to school to discuss assignment on Tuesday and Thursday(tml). Hais. Shag. Still got loads of assignment untouched. ZZZ！Dead Meat soon. [: Sians ! Need to go back to school tml at 9am to discuss about our advertising class's presentation. So early lors ! Kay narhs, I pig. hahas.

Hmms, I wanna get new bag, but it's pretty hard finding one you really like and right. I'm looking for one made of cloth material and some thing like a lady's bag . (: T_T I wanna get a big pencil case hees, cause this ' toolbox ' pencilcase I'm using kinda inconvenient though it's good cos I can dump everything in. =X ! Hehes !

Tired. End here lers. (: Thanks for the concern anyway. ^^ I no longer dread going to school !

✖ ileana `

150908 - thoughts of light

2008-09-15T01:12:00.005+08:00

150908 :

I don't know what happened recently. But, every time when I travel by public transport, especially train, people seem to rush for seats .. and its very exaggerating. I mean, is there a need to really snatch for a seat the moment the mrt door opens ? They behave like it's the last time they are going to get a seat . I got really irritated . For those of younger age or physically fit, I don't think there's a need to do that unless you're unwell . Give those seats to the elders. Nowadays I notice even when someone of old age boards the train, no one seems to be willing to give up their seats. They pretend he or she isn't there. =.=

For me, I would give up my seat when I know I'm able to stand all the way to my destination. On Saturday 130908, I accompanied mum to Sembawang. Well, I had to switch to the red line at cityhall . I got a seat just few stations before Sembawang . This lady beside me, who looks like she's in her twenties.. left me a bad impression . She was on the phone and every sentence she speak, she had vulgarities in it . ZZZ ! I really can't stand it lors. I mean if its a guy it's still okay but , as a lady .. must have 女孩子的样.. If she speaks that way, wouldn't it be better if she's a guy. 女孩子应该斯斯文文的，最起码也不能说粗话！=.= She talk like she's some ahlian or whatsoever. Hearing all her vulgarities ruined my day . You name it she said it - " knn" , " nb ", "　cb ", "jb" etc . zzzz .

Hais, I'm just disappointed in the Singaporeans nowadays, not to say I'm good in anyway but.. one word, " disgrace " .

Hmms, adi called . She gave me a shock . Cause I didnt have her number in my hp . She said she's in Singapore and wants to meet up. hahas. SAD NARHS! Chris "daddy" still bully me as always. =(！sob sobs ! =(！Gonna meet them up this week since its holidays but yeah, i still got loads of homework to finish up. -.-

Shall end here now. (: My bed is calling me. HEES！But i can't sleep right now, ton-ing outside. =(！　

ｘ３ ileana !

190808 - tearing heart

2008-08-19T08:43:00.005+08:00

19 Aug 2008 :

Yesterday night , dar told me about his thoughts and it was obvious he wanted a break up. His reasons were to concentrate on his exams and he said he isn't good enough for me. I hate that. Why does the break up reason have to be that .. why do my ex-es always say the same thing .. ' I'm not good enough for u ' .. zzzz .. Is that the reason just because you wanted to leave .. He says he needs time to think it over , but from my point of view , we were close to breaking up. I feel that he will.

I don't want to admit the fact I think he doesn't love me as much. Perhaps he isn't serious. I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I could see that he doesn't want to overcome those obstacles with me, instead he chooses to avoid. 是我爱错了人了吗？也许我不应该选择他，一开始就不应该。I chose not to listen to the advice of others, I chose to be with him. And now that things turned out like this, I only have my dumb self to blame. I got no idea what to do now. All i know is .. I won't be myself. Perhaps I would stone somewhere in school.

Yesterday, thankfully zip and Amy was on msn with me when these things happened. Shanlyn was worried so she gave me a call to ask what happen and make sure I'm alright despite she has work early next morning. 我很感动，thanks for all these you've done ever since I know you. You'll always be my true friend. SHAN! Zip also had to work next morning but he chatted with me, thanks (: . Amy on the other hand offered advices and help. 谢谢！你们3个镇的很棒！

I have no idea what to do. I know I said it quite a few times already. Zip said he is interested in me. Was kinda surprised he said that because i lost touch with him for 2 years. And what shocked me was he was already interested 2 months ago but I'm in an relationship. Hais

I'm confused. I know it's better for me if we break but I still love him. I asked him if I'm important to him yesterday on msn, he said yes. I asked him if he love me, he said yes. But when I asked him he wouldn't want to lose me right, he said I don't know. Hais. I'm suffering in pain right now. What pains me the most isn't because he wanted a break up, but because he didn't even try to overcome obstacles. He's avoiding. That shows how " important" I'm to him doesn't it ?

If he really loves me, things wouldn't be like that. Though I mind the fact he can't send me home every time we go out but I understand it's because of curfew and it's also too late. I didn't blame him. Those sacrifices I made exchanged for so much pain. Perhaps I shouldn't be so dumb again anymore. I should just shut myself from reality. I'm yearning to be in coma, I'll never want to wake. I'm yearning to be dead so I'll never be a burden, I'll never need to endure these pain.

The only one who can make me smile isn't here for me. 我的人生只有两个字，“悲哀”。

180808 - sick illy

2008-08-18T19:03:00.006+08:00

18 Aug 2008 :

Hmms .. couldnt stop smiling on the way to school today . hahas . okays , a bit sot . haha .. (: Well , school was fine but I felt demoralized because for ' drawing & compo ' module , which is my lousiest , i had difficulty in the toning part for still - life . hais . After school ( my lesson ends at 1pm for momday ( sem 1 ) , I accompanied Eleanor to Art Friends to get some stuff we needed for some modules .

I arranged to meet bear at 2pm and it was still early so waited at the bus stop outside bugis for him . He was late . Well , I had trouble taking photos with the theme ' spicy ' . There are things i wanted to take photo of , but taking of photo of their products aren't allowed for all shops probably because they were afraid of imitation. That makes it harder for me to complete this assignment . I ran out of ideas what to take that has got to do with spicy. I was practically spouting nonsense, asking bear if it's linked with spicy. Met Spencer at level 1 some where near the escalator, waved hi back to him . I saw wardah at level 2 too, she was with her friend but didn't managed to say hi as she had already walked past me .

Was supposed to meet mum after her check-up but she said she wanted to postpone it to wednesday instead . And she didn't even bother to let me know . Bleahs, fortunately I called her to ask. So bear sent me home after that . Oh ya, almost forget . We went Aijitei to eat and I took some pics of myself there . =P Uploaded 2 in friendster. ^^ "

tired . Got disappointed again . But can't blame him . hais .. All I can do is be understanding . I shouldnt expect much anymore. Actually, I dont really have the mood to blog . Sweet dreams.

❤ ileana .

160808 - disappointed

2008-08-16T14:07:00.007+08:00

16 Aug 2008 :

Arranged to meet dar today, 可是他 last min sms 我，说他发高烧 38.9 degrees .. 不能 meet 我了。因为，他昨天在太阳高照的时候玩羽毛球。 -.-" 我真的很失望，原以为能 meet 到他了。 Hais .. it's always like that. I don't know how long more can i hold those disappointments, 因为我累了.. 我开始有了一个人的念头。我伸出了手，他却没有抓紧，让我掉下悬崖。

Even the heaven's making fun of me . It's raining . Even if dar isn't sick , he would also say, raining.. can't meet le . Hais . I left 10% of trust in relationships and guys right now . No one's free to meet me . Can't take the 10 spicy pics . Sighs, I'm feeling real lousy . It's raining now and I'm feeling sleepy ! Shall go nap, homework later then see how =X ! hahas. Cyas , blog later.

❤ ileana `

140808 - im a panda

2008-08-14T20:29:00.003+08:00

14 Aug 2008 :

Bleahs ! Didn't sleep well. Got bullied by hamster. =( ! Didn't sleep well because I was worried all night about the hamster. Worried it will escape out of the wired cage. I know you will think i'm silly. But hamsters and rats same arhs, they have the ability to squeeze through small corners or edges you think they wont be able to . 不要小看它们！Hahas.

Anyway, I managed to wake earlier than usual .. hahas .. Took a look at my hamster the first thing in the morning. Hmms, Sabrina told me my 黑眼圈很深.. I also know, but the problem is that I don't know how to get rid of it .

Hmm .. I score 67 / 100 for my 'pop-up' assignment . Thats part 1 , there's still a finishing one to do . Then lecturer will avg both . (: Hais , Relieved I managed to past . Cause I kinda screw it up in the end at class.. Hais .. stress arhs .. so many homework to be done . zzz ..

1. 3 A4 still-life drawings + 1 A3 Still life drawing.
2. 10 photos ( to b taken myself ) to bring out the theme ' spicy '. Print it out to 4R.
3. Finishing Work for Pop-up .

Hais. tired. very tired. =( ! Sian, tml still need go granny place. nothing much to do there de norhs, apart from stoning and eating. hahas ! As soon as I got home, I was busy with my hamster. Want to know something ? I don't know my hamster's gender.. Bleahs, wasted loads of time and effort trying to find out my hamster's gender. =.=" In the end , its a male. lol . =X ! HAIS! TIRED! T____T I want to sleeeeeepppp ~ =3 ~ Tml's gonna be a long day .. =( ! Stop blogging le . Cyas .

❤ iLeana `

130808 - A Bad Day ..

2008-08-14T11:50:00.001+08:00

13 Aug 2008 :

sobs .. Had Design Elements lesson today .. hehes .. was pretty excited cause after that I meeting Bear to get hamster ! ! ! Yipees ~ Today no need stay back to do assignments . wan sui ! ! Hmms , but Sabrina havent complete .. so she had to finish it and pass it to the lecturer .. who claims he will leave a box outside for her to put the assignment in . =.=" BUT HE DIDNT ! kns .. den we waited for him norhs .. for 2 hours .. We decided not to wait anymore , so we tried asking other lecturers to leave it on his table for her . The first lecturer claimed that they WEREN'T allowed to do that . wth .. Then if the lecturer come back 5 hrs later we have to wait 5 hrs ? Dumb norhs . zzz . We were lucky the second lecturer helped us . (: ! Finally get to go home . LOL ! And .. yeahs .. I was so bored during the 2 hours i played my mobile game. !

Hmms .. Upon reaching home, I tried to finish my ' pop up ' assignment for 3D studies . Bleahs .. Cause gonna meet Bear in the evening and by the time i reach home .. its 3 plus liaos . x.x" Arghs , It was tough trying to get the right angles to take a picture our 3D studies teacher wanted . -.- Anyways , i took quite a few but seriously I dont think its of standard . =3 ! Hahas .. Bear was ready to leave house le so I didnt have time to finish it . I printed the pictures and cut them . Thats all I did and left it somewhere for safe keeping it case I lose it.. =.=

Duhs , took train norhs , to meet Bear .. Met at Outram mrt .. hees . ^^V ! I was like so dead nahs, cause very tired . -.- hmms .. After I got to meet Bear , we went to have our dinner .. at Terra .. -.- hahas .. No mushroom soup ! Sobs .. =( ! I ordered Tom Yam Seafood Noodle Soup .. Honey milk tea and Tiramisu .. duhs .. not really nice ! I think their soup's nice. Drinks , totally yucks -.- .. But their Ice lemon Tea is drinkable ! okays okays , I sound bad . >.<"

I was uncertain if I should get a hamster a not .. well , because I know my mum would be unhappy about it . But I really want one .. It's so adorable ! ! Especially the pearl winter white .. :D ! Hees ! In the end, I bought . Duhs .. Here's the price .. =O !

- Pearl Winter White Hamster x1 - $18

- Hamster Cage ( double storey ) With Water Feeder and Wheel - $37.90 ( O_O" )

- Hamster bedding & Hamster Bath Sand - $5 each ( round up )

- Hamster Bath Container - $7

- Hamster Food ( recommended ) - $6-7.

Total I paid $79 inclusive of discount . ^^" Hmms , not cheap eh .. but very cuteeee ! >w< ! Hees .. Fat Fat de ! XD ! Shall find a chance and take pic of it . (: After that, we proceeded home .. Bear send me home by taxi .. We didnt go to the taxi stand .. since its packed with people and there were no cabs in sight . The ppl in the queue were impatient . What we noticed was that quite a number of people were not in queue , they called for taxi .. =.= .. We walked to the main road .. trying our luck to get a cab .. Hmms .. no cab in sight . -.- Wonder whats wrong . =3

Not long later , A group of 3 .. consisting of 1 guy 2 ladies .. from china obviously from their accent .. cut our queue .. Wth lor . We came first , and they treated us like we were transparent , going infront of us to wait , wanting to flag a cab. I got angry , pulled Bear and walked further up .. Finally reached the taxi stand .. But when I turn back , zzz .. there they were .. they followed us .. -.- Whats more infuriating was that they got infront of us .. tryign to hail a cab .. when we finally spotted a cab .. who was willing to fetch passengers .. the taxi driver chose them instead of us . Its like wth lor .. we got htere first .. They really too much lor .. SG also got rules and manners what .. Kns .. Cut our queue snatch our cab still like they right . .. feel like scolding vulgarities.. -.- But nvm .. cannot ! Hahas ..

When I reached home , mum got angry . She had a bad day at work , and I felt like she vented her anger on me . She got mad at me for having hamsters .. ! Hais .. poor me lor .. bo bian .. =( ! Hmms , then got busy with setting up the cage for the hamster . ^^ Haven't decided on a name for it yet. =P ! Off to bed (:

❤ ileana `

110808 - Busy Day ..

2008-08-12T12:25:00.003+08:00

11 Aug 2008:

Forced myself to wake up for school today . Well , ITEs, Sec & Pri schools and JCs don't need to go school today , they consider it public or school holiday ! But For us and those working , its not . T____T" bleahhs .. sians lor . As usual .. homework .. =( ! Need to draw still-life. Hmms, after school I went home together with Sabrina ( she stays in Bedok ) .. hehes . Bought Ramen at Aijisan (TM) .

WOW ! Guess what , theres like a hell load of people queuing up to get movie tickets . =.=" The queue very long norhs .. up to pasta mania there . -.- After I bought my lunch, I continued my journey home. Bought Papaya milk from sweet talk on the way. ! Hees . =x

But after i reached home , I didn't much . I finished up the Edamame and part of the ramen and then went to take a nap . I was really tired . Almost late by the time i woke up .. ( in shock ) .. hahas . Rushed to Toa Payoh Central to meet Shanlyn, HuiNee and Goey Aeng via Cab . =3 ! Hmms, waited for them for quite some time at the taxi stand . Got a bit impatient cause just beisde they had the ' Getai ' .. They were getting ready so no performance yet. They burn those stuffs which makes me find it difficult to breathe .

After I met them, we took a cab to Mediacorp. =O ! It's my first time there . Hehes, wasn't really what I expected. I thought it would be really big but its small .. compared to what i thought it would be. And we had to walk many stairs .. through carpark .. -.-" bleahs , tiring . We were also forbidden to eat and take photos . They said the flash would disrupt them. =( ! Hais .. The Studio Crew was quite funny . Hahas . Watching backstage is fun too. =P ! Hmms, ate prata with Nee, Shan and Aeng . (: ! But the prata was too oily for my liking though i can say it doesn't taste bad . Hahas . We chat while we ate , I had an enjoyable day with them . (: I took a cab home with Shan , sharing the cab costs. hees . =x
Hais , i don't know whats wrong with dear . He's still kinda weird . He doesn't want to tell me whats wrong between his mum and him . All i know after continuous asking is that he had a " big " quarrel with his mum. His mum then , forbid him to use the phone so he cant chat with me . Plus he recently like kinda cold towards me . Always busy with his stuff . Can't blame him though , its not his fault . It's his exams period now . Hais , really miss him . But he's like so cold towards me . =( !

Bleahs , recently im addicted into mobile games. =X ! Hehes . Tired , so many school work .. T__T" kays la . I stop blogging lors .

`❤ iLeana