♥ Be Happy

Wednesday, September 30, 2009 Y 3:16 PM

30 sep 2009:

Recently, I've watching "命中注定钱我爱你" on youtube. 我，找到很多相似的感触。

- 被丢下的感受，有多难受，你知道吗？
- 每一次北方鸽子，又多么失落，你知道吗?
- 每一次期待和你见面，有多么提心吊胆，你又知道吗？

Sometimes, it's just funny how things happen.. like fate playing jokes on us. 有时爱情来得那么突然，然你无法抵抗。有时候，你会觉得，也许达从一开始，就不因该有这份爱的开始。

在爱情里，一定会有一方付出得比较多。有时候对方似乎看不到那一切，因为一切都来得太晚了。

- 选择离开的是她，回来后后悔的也是她。如果，当初要选者放弃这段感情，就不应该后悔，把责任全都怪在无辜得第3者身上。因该选择面对，她当初选择放弃的事！

我，何必这么傻，还选择制作，早已因该放弃。我知道他对我的好，别人所看不到的体贴，但是，他却没发现.. 一切都太迟了。它带来的伤痛和失落，我每一次都选择沉默，是不是因为这样，他以忽视了这一点。说什么都太迟了。

他连一通电话或简讯也没有。

Mum just came home. She gave me a shocking news. 姐姐今天早上起床要去面试的时候，张不开眼睛。It's just so sudden and so fast. Why is it happening on her? How can she accept this reality.. I just can't imagine, if the next moment, i cant see a thing. If my world turns dark, the only thing I would have wanted is death.

我不愿面对事实，我不想接受一切。威慑么上帝要这么不公平，这样对她？

ღஜღ ¸.•*´`*-._

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Tuesday, September 29, 2009 Y 3:49 PM

29 Sep 2009:

命中注定我爱你 - “平反没有什么不好，平反才最有力量，千万不放弃”

Hais.. 不知道为什么，最近肚子一直在痛，该怎么办？也许是因为我迷迷糊糊的吃下过期食物，所以才这样。就连呆呆，原来也是因为我在 serangoon north 买的过期 hamster food, 不肯吃，而我又不知道，才饿死的。真的很惭愧，但我又能怎样？它已经走了..

went to see doc .. 原来我这几天肚子会突然痛，是因为我不小心吃了过期的食物。So, this week wont be going school le. cos thurs got heart scan. Friday got NAFA Fun Day so no nid go..

ღஜღ ¸.•*´`*-._

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Y 2:05 AM

29 Sep 2009:

It's Fann Wong & Christopher Lee's wedding today! 真的很想看!

There's some stuff that caught my eye, that I really want .. perhaps I'll get it .. I try.

- 78 piece makeup palette. or http://www.momoren.me/order.php

- Fleece Backpack. But it's out of stock. Really sad about it. sighs. .

我真的很喜欢那个包包。Doubt they have it in Singapore.

Someone complained that my recent posts do not have pictures of myself.

So here they are .. :x

Look at my pink nails. Gel nails done by Vici. It's pretty, though not what I wanted. Pretty on me, but just not me. Like the saying goes, nails are like the soul of one, it is the nails that gives people the first impression what kind of a girl she is.

I liked them, I really do. But it's just not me. Perhaps, if I had more confidence it would fit me perfectly. The impression I had on the nails were like, it should have belonged to a girl who is attractive, one who is the naturally center of attention kind, one pretty be it heart, nature or appearance.

But, definitely not me. The nails I liked requires more time and that was what we lacked that day. Vici stayed up till 2am to finish it for me. I was very touched but I did not know how to express it.

虽然很多次我都有那个冲动想要把它弄掉，但是想一想，这也是一个机会让我告诉我自己，我其实一点也不难看。应该对自己有多一点信心！

I prefered the 2nd photo, took using Photo Booth on mac. Prettay effect there.

2.38am right now, 下雨了，晚了，是时间该睡了。我只想说，我很喜欢这种鱼的味道。似乎把我脑海里的一切烦恼，暂时抛在一边。

也许，最近不会拍什么照片。看吧。晚安！

ღஜღ ¸.•*´`*-._

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Y 2:00 AM

I decided to share this video from youtube. It kept my eyes on the screen. The girls were so beautiful. I was so, attracted to them. Then, there was this comment posted by some idk who to this video.. it says ..

ryanJogas09

girls: i want nobody nobody but you!
boys: I WANT YOUR BODY YOUR BODY NOT YOU!

HAHAHA! Funny la LOLS! It seems like a trend, replacing lyrics with some funny stuff.

ღஜღ ¸.•*´`*-._

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Friday, September 25, 2009 Y 9:15 PM

25 sep 2009:

I skipped Ceramics today. 起步来。Hmms.. went for Digital Design & Layout. sians. Last minute, Lecturer say must print out for her to critique. She didn't say need to print lor last week. Everyone also say so. Only Wenjie ytd ask her den say nid to print.

After class, met up with Dar to go Chinatown to meet Aaron for lunch & Koi's Bubble tea. Heees. Ate chicken rice as usual. Walked about after that and then went to meet Sis. Sighs..

Only then did I realise, 我真的很差劲！我很难过，为什么, Happy 已经被 put to sleep 了，我竟然没有发觉到！No wonder, yesterday there was no signs of Happy's painful howls.

Went to Vici's shop at Chinatown, People's Park Centre, located beside Each-A-Cup. Though the area is small, but I liked it the way it is. Simple yet Arty. Her pricing is definitely cheap and I liked her service. She definitely has talent in this.

I had pedicure in light purple and would be doing gel nails. Had a hard time choosing. Saw several designs I really liked but doesn't suit me. In the end I finally decided on a design. HOURS later. HAHAHAHA! I know I took SUPER DUPER LONG, but it would be on my hand for at least 2 months, it would definitely had to be something I love, rights?

好累哦，很多功课。又有很多烦恼。

ღஜღ ¸.•*´`*-._

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Y 12:53 AM

25 Sep 2009:

Sis told us a bad news we were not prepared for. She will turn blind. The doctor says there is no cure for that currently. She also warned me to be careful as she fear it might be genetically and says it occurs during her late 20s. Yes, I do not deny that I'm afraid.

Words cannot explain how I feel now. What can I do? Upset, but there is nothing I could do to help. I wanted to make things better for her, but I don't know how. Perhaps, I'm just a lousy sister.

I need breathing space, urgently. I feel lousy. My work seems to be all crap. Not something of designer kind of work. Zel wanted me to redo my zouk postcard and webpage. Bel wants me to redo my graph. Haha, does that tell u how lousy I am now?

I feel so stressed up. I can't wait for holidays to come. The homework piling up, is killing me. Bit by bit, everything seems to be draining my life away..

DaiDai is no longer here with me anymore. He's gone. When I feel down there's no one I could hold, there's no one i could bully or touch anymore. I miss him so much, but he's never gonna come back to life anymore.

Yours Sincerely,
- the ugly doll.

ღஜღ ¸.•*´`*-._

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Thursday, September 24, 2009 Y 10:43 PM

I'm falling in love with her voice. It's like my daily dosage of drug .. try going to YouTube to look for her songs. They are really great. Here's some:

ღஜღ ¸.•*´`*-._

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Y 10:11 PM

omgs. what else can I say ! I'm so amazed, impressed, stunned, shocked .. whatever is there ! The girl playing the piano is blind yet she can play so well ! Awwws !! Connie Talbot sings so beautifully she did wonders ! I mean, at the age of 6 she sings this well ?! OMGS !

I wonder if they sell her CD in Singapore !

After listening to her sing, I feel so much light-hearted.. happier .. carefree. Should listen to her sing more :x .

ღஜღ ¸.•*´`*-._

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Monday, September 14, 2009 Y 9:53 PM

14 Sep 2009 :

Today, while I was busy searching for my file where I kept all my NHC (National Heart Centre) stuff, I took a peep at my hamsters, only to realise, DaiDai passed away. I should have noticed something amiss yesterday when he seems somewhat not okay or perhaps few days ago when i realise the hamsters did not touch their food. I tried using a chopstick to touch him, but he did not move after several tries, I had to face reality, face the fact he was not longer here with me. He left ShaSha & Me.

I cried uncontrollably, tears trickling down my cheeks. My face was never this wet before. I cried terribly. My heart was never this pain before. I never felt so lifeless before. He meant a lot to me. I treasured the times only he allowed me to touch and hold him reluctantly. The way he is cute and blur, thus his name 呆呆.

I chose to cremate him, but I regretted not choosing the one with ashes. But, it was too expensive for me. I couldn't fork out so much. I thought it was only $32 as stated on the website but upon reaching, they told me they had already updated the charges. Hamster costs $100 for cremation with ashes. I had no choice but to choose the one without. I regretted. The rest of the day was meaningless to me. I still couldn't find the file. I'm so dead. I miss him.

I still have not come to a decision if, i should get another hamster, or should I not.

ღஜღ ¸.•*´`*-._

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Wednesday, September 9, 2009 Y 2:22 PM

o9 Sep o9:

It was till I listened to YES93.3FM that I knew today was o9o9o9 ! Nice date ! If I was single I would have wished to get someone I love on this date. Hehs.

我跟他之间出现了问题，他却没发现我的手早已松开了。等待的，只是时机的来临，我累了。我早已承受不了那些失落和痛，原来爱情可以让一个人精力充沛，也能把一个人的生命满满的榨干。

我已告诉自己，下一次分手，就不会再回头。

不是我不体贴，也不是我不懂得体谅，我知道他有他的理由，但是，我已承受不了了。

Perhaps if we broke up, he would have saved money on my chalet and present, if any.

本来约好了，今天中午他要来我家，因为我得做功课，但是，他又失约了。因为 Aaron stayed at his place till 2pm to meet someone else. 过后，他却告诉我，他会很吃菜来，因为爸爸出门了，要他收东西。我没怪他，但是我已放弃了。我学会放手了。

会失落，想放手，但我知道那并不可能。

' It's draining my life away, bit by bit. ' - Ileana Lim

ღஜღ ¸.•*´`*-._

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Wednesday, September 2, 2009 Y 8:03 PM

- if you hated emo posts, dont continue reading. -

2 Sep 2009 :

Went to school for discussion on tml's presentation on Incunabula. Arghhs. It's a tough topic for me, I don't quite understand it. Didn't have enough sleep, rushed to school but ended up reaching first. Made sandwich for breakfast, ate it on the way to school.

I was actually worn out but I kept it to myself. Ate duck rice nearby, it was quite a big plate and I managed to finished it all ! Considered quite cheap too ! HeeHees !

When we were finally done with discussion, it was already in the evening. Met Aaron for dinner and walked around. Nothing much. Dar was not there. He said he couldn't come. I was disappointed, very.

I know he wants to save money for my birthday present and chalet, but I've already told him .. there's no need for presents. There is no need to save money to a state like this. I'm aware that he isn't keen on this chalet, perhaps .. I shouldn't have a chalet for my 21st. I'm starting to regret it, perhaps I should have just stayed at home. Thou it would be a good opportunity for grandma to stay over at the chalet and admire the scenery there. I think its a pretty good idea for her, instead of cooping at home.

There is just too many stuff I'm worried and troubled over. I'm sick and tired. At times, I would have the impulsiveness to break up. About to break down, I know he has his reasons for not being able to meet up, but I just can't endure any more of it any longer. There is nothing I look forward to at school, apart from thursdays where I get to see WanRu, Spencer and Joy.

Everytime I would get so disappointed when he sms-ed me informing me he couldn't meet. How long more could I hang on to this relationship? Every single thing is draining my life away, bit by bit .. Be it relationship, school, family or myself.

I'm having a tough time, trying to tell myself I have to hang on to life, I can't just die yet. Those excuses or reasons I tell myself over and over again.

No one seems to understand me at all. Not my family, neither others. It's not going to work, telling me how much loved ones would hurt and miss me if I were gone. Sometimes it just hurt far too much, my thoughts would always run wild. I would always think of inflicting pain on myself.

Yes, that's the shocking truth perhaps most of you don't know about me. I'm under depression. I would use pain as a way, to numb the pain I'm going through spiritually or emotionally. Thats ME.

The real me, will never surface for it scars far too deep to heal. Like I've said before, I hated my existance. Won't it be better if I could give my life to people who needed it more? I'd be more than willing. But what would come to of my parents?

Her pain, her tears, her sufferings and her slient rants .. no one seem to notice.. she's struggling for survival. Her tears, no one to wipe it off for her.. 我真的活到很辛苦。

ღஜღ ¸.•*´`*-._

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